Growing up with a parent who has a drinking problem can leave its mark on children in many ways.
Children of alcoholics are more susceptible to depression, have problems at school, are exposed to abuse and violence at home.
Many, like Becky Ellis Hamilton, believe that even in adulthood they are strongly marked by their parents' problems with alcoholism.
- Do you always like what you want
- Alcohol increases the risk of breast cancer
- Why rock stars don't have to drink
One Saturday night, thirteen-year-old Becky was helping her mother, Pat, get ready for a night out. Pat spent most of the weekend at her partner's apartment, leaving Becky at home with her grandmother.
In the bathroom, Pat leaned against the toilet bowl as Becky carefully inserted her contact lenses, then gently applied purple eye shadow and shimmery pink lipstick.
"I used to do her make-up the way I thought was fashionable at the time, and she would take it all in," says Becky.
Pat was tall and beautiful, looking younger than her 53 years - her age, Becky says. She was in a good mood that evening, laughing and joking.
"But I also remember being quite angry with her," says Becky. "I was frustrated. I wanted to tell her - I know you've been drinking, and why are you drinking now when you haven't in years?"
She didn't say anything to her though. When the makeup was done, Pat kissed Becky goodbye and left.
At a very early age, Becky realized that her mother was an alcoholic, although Pat never drank in front of her, nor did they ever discuss it.
Becky still remembers the smell that wafted around her mother - as if emanating from every pore of someone who had had a rough night. And she also had a special look, says Becky.
"You could tell right away - she changed, she seemed to shut down as soon as she started drinking."
Pet hid bottles of vodka all over the house - under the mattress, among the towels in the bathroom cabinet, in the cistern.
She emptied them in secret, getting heavily drunk at least five out of seven days. If Becky found one of the hidden bottles, she would spill the vodka, fill the bottle with water, and then carefully return the bottles to their hidden places. However, neither of them ever mentioned it to the other.
There was an unwritten rule in Becky's family regarding her mother's drunkenness - she didn't mention it to anyone.
"I didn't want to get my mother in trouble. I was afraid that if someone found out, they would take me away from her, and I knew she needed me," says Becky. "It was my duty to protect her - if I wasn't there, my grandmother wouldn't be able to deal with that. elections."
Becky didn't even tell her closest friends what was happening in her house, and she invited friends to sleep over at her place only on weekends, when her mother was away.
"It was a tactic - it was a non-negotiable agreement that worked for everyone," she says.
In fact, the only people Becky ever talked to about her mother's drinking were her grandmother and half-sisters—daughters from her first marriage who were much older than Becky and who lived with their father after the divorce.
"I think my grandmother was ashamed, not of my mother, but of society's condemnation. Nobody knew what to do with my mother, there was simply no support like there is now," says Becky.
"My mother was an alcoholic and it was a big secret."
Week of children of alcoholics
- - This one b campaign serves to raise awareness of the hidden problem of children whose parents are alcoholics.
- - It is celebrated at the world level, this year from February 14 to 20.
Becky grew up accustomed to Pet's strange behavior - it was not uncommon to find her vomiting or lying passed out.
She also got used to disappointments. One evening, she came with her grandmother to pick up Pet from work at the underwear store, so they could go together to watch the lighting of the New Year's decorations. However, Beca's excitement soon subsided when she saw her mother's look and heard her tongue twisting.
Sometimes, when Grandma went to the raffle, Becky would stay alone with her mother after school and do whatever she could to get her mind off the alcohol.
"I was always worried, I was always on edge because when she drinks, that's it - I have to watch, take care of her all night," says Becky.
If Pat realized there was no alcohol in the house, she would call Becky to come with her to the store.
"We'd be halfway home and she'd say, 'I forgot something, wait here,' and I knew she was going to come back for alcohol," says Becky.
When she was drunk, Pat would cry, tell Becky that she just wanted to be loved, and repeat all the bad things that had happened to her. Becky would sit and listen, assuring her mother that she loved her. It would get late, so Becky would try to convince her mother to go to bed.
"When we lived with my grandmother, my mother and I shared a bedroom, so I would have to go to bed with her and wait for her to fall asleep - then I would sneak out and call my sister," she says.
But if Pat woke up and realized Becky wasn't there, she'd be upset.
"She'd start crying and say 'You don't love me' or 'You're going to leave me' and then I'd crawl into bed and it would start all over again," says Becky.
Eventually, Pet would fall asleep or pass out. But even if it was very late and she was tired, Becky wouldn't be able to fall asleep easily. From time to time, she brought a small mirror to her mother's face, just to check if she was still breathing.
The next morning, still smelling of alcohol, Pet would pretend nothing had happened.
"She would hug me if she knew she'd done something bad, upset me, or something dramatic had happened the night before," says Becky. "It was her way of acknowledging what she'd done without mentioning it. It was very strange." , and honestly, it was like she was becoming a different person."
When she was sober, Pat was "the best, perfect mother," says Becky, "so sweet and funny, fun."
There were times when she successfully quit drinking, but no matter how many times she went to rehab (when Becky was told her mother was "going to a friend's house") or how much willpower she showed to quit drinking, Pat she could not get rid of the demons that forced her to self-help.
"When she was drunk, she would tell me how she was abused (as a child)," says Becky. "She also told us who did the abuse - it was a family member."
Sometimes it would become too much for Pet, so she tried to end it all. Becky remembers at least three suicide attempts while she was growing up, and she assumes that her mother tried to kill herself several times before Becky was born.
"I'm sure there was more to it - the mother would have simply reached the point of complete loss of hope," she says.
One evening, when Becky was still relatively young, probably under five, her half-sisters were visiting for the weekend, and Becky's father was away.
"Mother started drinking, got into that state, and disappeared with a bunch of pills," says Becky.
"We couldn't find her, so the sisters went to find my father. I remember they put me in the doll's pram and my father said 'Take her to your grandmother', we walked to the dark house and we saw the ambulance."
Pet was eventually found lying on a park bench and rushed to hospital. When she was discharged, nobody explained to Becky what happened, nobody talked about it.
How alcohol damages your genes
Parents who get drunk during quarantine - what do the children say?
"I'm on lockdown with both parents drinking too much and the father becoming more aggressive."
"My mother has always had problems with drinking. Since the start of the pandemic, she hasn't been able to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and is drinking more than she ever did."
"When he's drunk, I'm afraid of him. He doesn't take care of us, and my mother suffers the most. If he divorces, we'll lose the house, but we're unhappy like this - what can we do? I wonder if it's because of us, if what he has the family is putting pressure on him."
"This whole one situation witha corona virus it led to ordering a lot of beer and wine. There is no way to escape and more than ever I feel trapped."
"Her only source of money is what her father gives her. It's not fair to him because he works very hard and she spends all her money on alcohol. I told him not to give her money because it's feeding her addiction, but I know he's only doing it because she'd be harassing him otherwise."
"Covid-19 affects everyone. I drink with my mother, those are the only good moments we spend together."
Quotes from telephone conversations with children who contacted the British National Association of Children of Alcoholics
Although her parents' marriage didn't last, and her mother didn't completely stop drinking, things seemed to be on the mend when Becky turned thirteen. Pat had a new, nice partner and didn't drink as much - sometimes only on weekends, when she was at Brian's.
"I have more fond memories of that period," says Becky. "I remember meeting him, he was someone who really cared about her and me and Grandma, and that was more than enough reason to try."
On good days, when she managed not to drink, Pet would make a mark in her diary.
"We didn't talk about it," says Becky, "but I remember reading the diary, counting the signs to ten and being so happy that mother was finally better. I thought she had won."
But then that changed. The signs in the diary turned into question marks. Pet was drinking again.
That Saturday night, after Becky put on her makeup, Pat headed to Brian's house.
It's possible she drank more along the way, Becky says, since Brian told her to stay the night and went out himself. The next morning, around six or seven o'clock, the phone rang, and Becky was awakened by her grandmother's call.
"Becky! Get up! Your mother is finished," she shouted, over and over again. "Get up! Your mother is finished."
Becky ran out of the house, headed for Brian. She stopped when she saw the ambulance. She did not wear any shoes, she was dressed only in a nightgown.
"It was like a dream," she says. "But I knew this was going to happen, I was preparing for it."
Pat passed out in Brian's apartment, her organs failed, she died "pretty much on the spot," says Becky.
Pet had an extremely high blood alcohol level, and the coroner ruled an accident as the cause of death.
"It sounds terrible, but when you have to pretend to be brave from a young age, you get a little scared of everything," says Becky. "It's like you don't feel things anymore. It's sad, but that was the reality I lived."
The local newspaper, the Scunthorpe Telegraph, soon published the story of the death of Pet.
"None of my friends knew anything until she died, and that put me in a position where I had to accept that we had this huge secret that I thought was completely normal," says Becky.
"My mother left and I completely lost my identity - that secret life I had and everything I was pretending to be was gone. Everyone knew everything, and I just didn't know who I was."
Becky says that the support of the school was lacking.
"I had one professor who would take me aside and ask me how I was doing - he was the one I went to if I was feeling down," she says.
On the day Becky simply broke down in math class, the teacher knew what it was all about - it was the anniversary of her mother's death - but Becky needed something more than a sympathetic listener.
- How long will beatings be an educational measure in Serbia
- What to do if a child suffers sexual abuse
"I didn't know how to cope, or what to do. I just couldn't get over it, it was horrible," she says.
"Everything was focused on taking care of my mother, and then she was gone."
Years later, Becky still has a hard time coming to terms with the loss of her mother. She is frustrated by the "toxic silence" that covers both the abuse Pet experienced as a child and her subsequent alcoholism. Yet she blames no one.
"It was a generational problem back then," says Becky. "You'd embarrass the family if you talked about those things."
Becky now regrets not talking to her mother or seeking help elsewhere.
"My only regret is that I didn't do it," she says. "At the time, I didn't dare because I was convinced that if I talked to her, things would get worse. But if I had talked to someone outside the family circle, I might have had the strength to I'm talking to her, and a conversation might be all that's needed."
It's been almost eighteen years since Pat died, and Becky still feels uncomfortable around drunk people.
"I get scared and want to control everything around me because I feel the urge to take on the role of mother," she says. "I can't relax or stop checking on them, I become hyper-aware."
Two years ago, before their wedding, Becky's boyfriend Jay had a few drinks at the celebration.
"I realized what a trigger it was for me and I let it ruin the next day," says Becky.
Jay hasn't had a drink since, and Becky says he's “great.” Since November last year, Becky has given up alcohol - she's never been a heavy drinker, but was always afraid she might end up a mother.
Not long after her mother died, Becky was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and although she was always on medication, she didn't really take care of herself. Then two years ago, at the time of her marriage to Jay, she realized that she needed help - both for depression and so that she could start overcoming the trauma she experienced growing up.
Through her own research, she discovered organizations that support people who grew up with alcoholic parents.
"I thought I was the only person finding vodka bottles in the cistern until I found this community and talked to people who were in the same situation," she says. "It took a huge weight off my back."
Becky now has a network of people to talk to about her childhood experiences, and has found a new purpose through training to support addicts in recovery.
"I feel like I've found myself and my confidence has grown," says Becky.
"My mother would want me to do whatever makes me happy - and what makes me happy is helping people like her."
Follow us on Facebook i Twitter. If you have a topic proposal for us, contact us at bbcnasrpskom@bbc.co.uk
Bonus video:
