DJ Daisy Maskell has been struggling with the silent, nocturnal world since childhood. As the hours pass when everyone else is asleep, chronic insomnia has kept her awake.
In a new BBC documentary Daisy Maskell: Insomnia and Me, Daisy digs deeper into a sleep disorder that has plagued her since the age of nine and makes a surprising discovery.
"I said insomnia was good for my job"
Insomnia was Googled more in 2020 than ever before, according to one study, while another suggests the number of people suffering from insomnia in the UK jumped from one in six to one in four during the coronavirus pandemic.
As Daisy says, "This movie is really timely."
The increasing number of people talking about insomnia is the reason why Daisy herself began to think more about her own problem and came up with the idea of making a film.
"I suffered for a long time - that definitely changed during my teenage years," she says.
"I used to have problems staying awake, so I woke up very early, and when I reached my teenage years, I had more problems sleeping.
"When I was at school, I couldn't sleep during the work week, but I managed to sleep on the weekends.
"As you get more mature and take on more responsibility, you don't have the space to do it more. I didn't accomplish anything, and I couldn't even catch up on sleep because I had other obligations."
Sometimes exhaustion from lack of sleep would cause Daisy to cancel plans, adding to her sense of isolation.
"You can experience strong physical effects of insomnia, but I've always struggled with the much bigger impact it had on my mental health," she says.
"It made me not want to see anyone and canceling plans."
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Being a radio host seems like a bizarre or perfect choice for someone with insomnia, depending on how you look at it, and Daisy says the job has made her downplay the condition in the past.
"I took over the show in early 2019. When we were doing interviews about the takeover, I cringed at the fact that I used insomnia and not sleeping to my advantage by taking over the show," she recalls.
"I didn't attach enough importance to it, I didn't recognize the ways in which I suffered. I definitely used it to my advantage.
"The field of work I stepped into meant surviving on minimal sleep."
"You can't call in sick because you didn't sleep well"
Another reason she downplayed the seriousness of insomnia, she says, was the general narrative about insomnia and the stereotypes that come with it.
"One of the biggest things I'm hoping for with this film is to bring attention to the stigma surrounding sleep disorders," says Daisy.
"Insomnia is usually attributed to a lifestyle factor, so either you're partying late, spending too much time on social media, playing games - that's definitely something I've experienced, people blame me and my lifestyle.
"Not only does it not validate me and my issues, it stops me from trying to get help." I didn't want to go to a GP or a therapist in case I was faced with the same conclusions.
"Every time you google sleep problems, you get the best sleep tips and it can be anything like lighting a candle, using a pillow spray, and that's fine, it can create a relaxing environment, but those things didn't help me, and when they were prescribed to me, that frustrated me more than anything."
While Daisy says her employer was "brilliant" on the one occasion she overslept and didn't make it to the studio on time, other people in their jobs are less likely to be understanding.
"You can't call your boss and say, 'I can't come in today because I didn't sleep well,'" she says.
"Factors associated with it are laziness, like teenagers sleeping. It's horrible, you can't seem to reach even if you're suffering."
In the documentary, Daisy meets other insomniacs who have faced exactly the kind of misunderstandings she fears.
Ruan, a student who turned to his mentor when insomnia began to affect his university work, describes - somewhat implausibly - the mentor's suggestion: let's go and drink some whiskey.
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"Childhood trauma carries over into adulthood"
While filming the documentary, Daisy realized that her insomnia had its roots elsewhere in her psyche.
"I always felt like my insomnia was a by-product of something else, or a trauma that presented itself as not being able to sleep, but I pushed it to the back of my mind," says Daisy.
The trauma she talks about is her parents' divorce, which happened around the time her insomnia developed.
In the program, she goes to see a psychiatrist and in the end, her suspicion is confirmed.
Although not all people with insomnia will have serious mental health problems, Daisy - who suffers chronically - says: "It was a validation and a breath of fresh optimism that a doctor was thinking about it the same way I was".
"The PTSD diagnosis was also a shock to me - you don't realize that you carry the same brain with you your whole life, and things that affect you in childhood can carry over into adulthood if left untreated."
There are other factors at play.
Daisy reveals she also struggles with an eating disorder, and scans have shown her brain is 30 percent more active than the average person when she's resting, meaning it's harder for her to calm down and relax.
For the first time, she was able to see insomnia in the context of her overall physical and mental health—and that, along with finding solidarity with other insomniacs, has helped her sleep since she made the film.
"We looked at it as a chicken-and-egg scenario as it relates to mental health," she says.
"Everyone has a different trigger that can affect their sleep."
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