"'You have everything, but you're unhappy, you really don't deserve to live'".
Thirty-one-year-old Lenka had been feeling bad for a long time, but this thought led her to search the Internet for ways to take her own life.
In less than 15 minutes, a suicide prevention medical team knocked on the door of her apartment in America.
"I don't know what would have happened if they hadn't come, I didn't want to think about it," she says eight months later to the BBC in Serbian.
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Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people aged 15 to 29, according to data from the World Health Organization from 2021.
The suicide rate is decreasing in Serbia, but "shame and shame are still one of the reasons why people don't talk about what's bothering them and don't ask for help," says Tanja Bokun, a psychologist, for the BBC in Serbian.
In 2020, the suicide rate in Serbia was around 13 percent, four times more compared to Greece or two compared to Italy.
Although international experts say that it is very important to ask for help and talk about problems, only a fifth of the population in Serbia once turned to a psychotherapist, the data are from the Psychosocial Innovation Network (PIN) research from 2022.
Confusion, embarrassment and shame
Lenka first sought the help of a psychotherapist ten years ago, at the beginning of her studies.
She wanted to get rid of the traumas and problems from her childhood and these conversations seemed to help her.
However, eight months ago, she had her first suicidal thoughts.
"By social standards, I was very successful.
"I had a fulfilling and phenomenal life, which it was, but that meant that it must not be bad for me," says Lenka.
And she was fine.
She did not share that she was thinking about suicide with anyone - not even with a psychotherapist.
"It was a kind of justification - 'here, I'm doing everything I can to help myself, I'm doing everything, except honesty'.
"I was afraid that the psychotherapist would no longer think that I was great and that I was fighting problems well, because I was still trying to impress everyone around me, including him," she says.
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Two months later, a big change followed when Lenka moved to America.
She found a job immediately and for the first time did not have to worry about whether she would have enough money for rent and living expenses.
"Since I'm used to living in difficult conditions, fighting with my hands and feet to be able to survive, this security scared me," he says today.
"If I don't have to fight anymore, then what is the purpose of my life", asked Lenka.
Everything seemed good 'on paper', but she felt depressed, which also affected her relationship with her partner.
She closed in on herself and "sunk deeper and deeper".
She had everything, but she wasn't happy, which is why she felt guilty, she says.
"People with suicidal thoughts often believe that no one cares about them and that nothing will change without them," says psychologist Tanja Bokun.
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Help is on the way
After a few weeks in America, left alone in the apartment, Lenka had thoughts of suicide again.
"I was mentally ill, I cried and screamed.
"I typed those words on the laptop nonchalantly, as if I wasn't aware of what I was doing, it was a little easier for me, because I was moving towards a solution," she says.
After a few minutes, she received a message to contact her, and an email: "We were informed that you asked for information on how to commit suicide. Help is on the way".
"Thoughts about suicide immediately disappeared and I felt ashamed that someone was coming to check if I was okay.
"At the same time, I was scared, because I didn't know what was coming next and whether the medical team would take me somewhere," recalls Lenka.
Shame and fear were replaced by anger.
'Why are these people controlling me? Why are they coming? I have the right to do what I want with my life', she asked herself furiously.
The conversation with them calmed her down, but also made her aware that she had to be honest with the psychotherapist.
"It is difficult to face the fact that you wanted to take your own life.
"When I finally told the psychotherapist that I was thinking about suicide, I felt 50 kilograms lighter," she says, with a short pause.
Ten times more calls
One of the first indicators that someone is suffering is the loss of will, interest and energy for what used to fill them, Tanja Bokun points out.
The sentences and questions we ask should let them know that we are with them and that we see how difficult it is for them.
It is necessary to talk less and listen more and give a signal that they are not alone, is one of the tips of this psychologist, one of the 40 volunteers of the Heart Center who talk to people who are thinking about suicide every day by phone and email.
Volunteers undergo training in advance, and annually conduct 8.000 interviews.
A third of the calls come from people who are thinking about suicide.
"When, for example, September 10 is the World Suicide Prevention Day, it is called ten times more," says Bokun.
'Now I live for myself'
Six months later, Lenka says she feels better.
She continued with psychotherapy and returned to Serbia.
"I think it is important to talk about these experiences and share them with each other.
"Facing brings improvement in all fields, but it's difficult and scary, because during healing you build up emotionally and start from scratch, as if you were a child - it's a mining process," she says.
Recently, she went to America again, and every time she accessed one of her social network profiles, a message appeared - You're okay, if you're not, it's okay to get help, along with the phone number for professional advice.
She is not disturbed by this message, but those who might be alarmed by the notification can turn it off.
"Now I live for myself and I'm a little sorry that I somehow 'invested' 15 years of my life to prove to the world that I'm worth it, even though sometimes that's necessary.
"Coming to suicidal thoughts in order to come to your senses and realize how much your life is worth is the ultimate limit and grasping at straws, and the consequences are severe," says Lenka.
If she could turn back time, she would have shared with those closest to her that she was thinking about suicide.
"I worked a lot on eliminating shame, and we shouldn't go through these situations alone, but it's hard to say.
"The fact that you had thoughts of suicide should not define you, because it is perfectly fine that you were not well and that you asked for help - so talk, because it can save you," says Lenka.
*The interviewee's name has been changed, and her identity is known to the editorial staff
Some of the professional institutions, counseling centers and SOS telephones that can provide you with help in Serbia are:
Clinic for Psychiatric Diseases Dr. Laza Lazarević
Višegradska 26, Belgrade; Phone: 011/3636400; www.lazalazarevic.rs
Heart Center
Telephone: 0800-300-303; Email: vanja@centarsrce.org; www.centarsrce.org
Working hours are 14:23 to XNUMX:XNUMX, all calls are anonymous and help is free
National SOS line for suicide prevention
Phone: 011/7777000; Calls are anonymous
You can find additional addresses and contacts of institutions and organizations in Serbia and the region that deal with mental health on this link, in the "Za Tebe #VažnoJe" group.
Watch the video about the group "For you #VažnoJe", a place for support and discussion about mental health
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