Isabel Geretsen
BBC Future
For many of us, the coronavirus pandemic has revealed who our closest friends are.
Deprived of social opportunities to interact with a wider group, we have become more dependent than ever on a small group of trusted people.
For children, the situation was even more dramatic, especially those too young to use Zoom calls.
Many missed their close social circle – especially their best friends.
These friends are not just people we like to spend time with, they are people we trust completely.
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As children, we usually treat them like members of our extended family, to the point where we might experience their homes as intimately as our own.
As adults, we know we can call upon them in a moment to share with them our highest and lowest moments in our daily lives.
"In best friendships, there's usually an intimacy, a feeling that the other person will be there for you whenever you need them, that they'll always have your back," says Rebecca Graeber, a professor of psychology at the University of Sussex in the UK.
"The point is in the perceived unconditional support rather than whether someone will actually show up."
But are we even programmed to have best friends?
Research shows that there are strong evolutionary advantages that explain why we choose to form such close social bonds with others.
However, the precise nature of these relationships can vary considerably – and understanding this diversity can offer much comfort and hope to those who long for a best friend and who have trouble finding one.
"We've traditionally seen friendship as something cultural. But it's deeper than that and more fundamentally important," says Lydia Denworth, author of Friendship: Evolution, Biology, and the Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond.
By observing other species such as baboons and dolphins, we see how fundamentally important close friendships are, says Denworth.
These friendships are not necessarily exclusive, in the sense of choosing just one friend above all others.
Instead, they can consist of connections that are strengthened over time with any number of individuals who provide you with support.
Just like humans, dolphins form friendships through shared interests.
Male dolphins that hunt in deep waters, a practice known as "sponging," generally socialize with other male spongers, according to a 2019 study.
These strong bonds can last for decades and are crucial to each male's mating success, notes Manuela Bicocero, a researcher at the University of Zurich and lead author of the study.
Baboons also form strong friendships that help them overcome adversity early in life, research shows.
A 2003 study, led by primatologist Jean Altman of Princeton University, showed that friendships among adult female baboons boosted the survival rate of their newborns.
Another study concluded that baboons with strong social bonds experience less stress and that females work to establish new relationships when a close friend is killed by predators.
"It's best for you to have good friends; that helps you defend yourself against lions," says Denworth.
"We also need help fighting lions and that's exactly what our friends are doing for us."
Making friends
Finding and keeping friends is still a skill that may take some time to develop.
Around the age of four, children begin to understand that other people might have thoughts, interests, and feelings that are different from their own.
This emerging ability, known as Theory of Mind, helps children find friends, says Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a clinical psychologist and author of Friendship Development: A Children's Guide to Making and Keeping Friends.
"They become better at imagining other people's perspectives, and that encourages them to have more intimate friendships."
Children often have a pragmatic attitude toward friendship, forming close bonds with peers on the playground or in the school classroom, says Kennedy-Moore.
"It's a 'love who you're with' approach."
"The thing that children have an advantage over adults is that they're in a room with 25 other people at their stage of life," she says.
"In adulthood, it takes a conscious, serious effort to find and nurture friendships."
According to one study, adults need to spend about 50 hours together to move from casual acquaintance to casual friendship, 90 hours together before they can call each other friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends who share an emotional connection.
Psychologists say that best friendships can help children prepare for close friendships, even romantic ones, as they grow up.
"Best friendships are like falling in love," says Kennedy-Moore.
"Close childhood friendships help children hone the skills they need for intimate relationships throughout their lives. They learn about other people and themselves, how to cope with feelings like loneliness, jealousy, and dissatisfaction."
If children don't talk about friends at home, it doesn't mean they don't have any, she says, adding that it could be because they prefer a low-key style of interacting with others.
Parents can support children in forming friendships by organizing fun outings for them outside of school.
"Children usually find friends by doing fun things together, so you might want to think about what your children's interests are and look for activities that fit their personalities and that they can do with other children," says Kennedy-Moore.
Parents can also teach their children how to engage in games and activities.
"The formula is: first observe, then adapt," she says.
"Watch what another child is doing, then join in on the same activity without interrupting."
Health benefits
Helping children develop strong friendships can be a gift with lifelong benefits, including better mental and physical health.
Maintaining close friendships has a positive impact on cardiovascular and neuroendocrine health, as well as the immune system, research shows.
According to a 148 review of 2010 studies, strong friendships provide greater health benefits than quitting smoking, losing weight, or exercising.
Having a close group of friends and strong family ties reduces people's risk of mortality by 50 percent, the analysis shows.
Being lonely or isolated has the same impact on someone's mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, according to a survey of 20.000 Americans.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which began in 1938 during the Great Depression and followed more than 700 men throughout their lives, showed that people's satisfaction with their relationships in their fifties was a better predictor of their physical health later in life than their cholesterol levels.
These findings show the importance of treating friendships as a "lifetime endeavor," says Denworth.
"It's never too late to make friends, but it's a good idea to start early."
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Although some studies define a best friendship as a bond with one special friend, findings typically suggest that the benefit is the quality and reciprocity of the relationship, not the number of friends involved.
Such relationships can play a key role in helping children cope with challenges in their lives and overcome adversity, research shows.
Children who have best friends tend to experience less loneliness and depression and have higher self-confidence.
One study showed that having a close, supportive friend can help children from low-income backgrounds cope better with difficult circumstances.
"Children with higher quality best friendships, in conjunction with greater psychological resilience, have a better ability to cope with life in lower-income neighborhoods," says Graeber, the study's lead author.
"Their best friendships seemed to be associated with better coping skills and a greater sense of being able to make a difference in their lives," she says, adding that the results for friendships between boys and girls were similar.
However, the title of "best friend" in itself is not a guarantee of a high-quality relationship.
When best friendships involve excessive talking about problems, it can lead to increased symptoms of depression and anxiety, according to a 2007 study.
For children who haven't yet found that special friend, there are still many opportunities ahead of them.
Friendships change all the time throughout childhood, says Graeber.
When best friends grow apart or move away, it can be difficult for young children, who are not used to ending relationships.
"There is no ritual for children to grieve the loss of that relationship," she says, adding that it is important for parents to talk about this with their children and support them through the process.
Cultural differences
Choosing one best friend is not always seen as the best model – in some cultures, people choose to spend time with wider groups, consisting of family and peers, instead of just one person.
In many small, rural communities around the world, children attend school with relatives, see them as close friends, and do not distinguish friends from extended family, says Evan Killick, senior professor of anthropology at the University of Sussex.
Kilik studies the social relations of the Ashaninka society in the Amazon rainforest.
In this community, relationships with family members usually override friendships, Kilik says.
"In Western urban societies, this idea of having a close friend is important because you don't have these wider kinship networks."
Ashaninka children only begin to form friendships outside their extended family when they enter puberty and begin to seek out connections for trade and marriage partners.
At first, these are transactional relationships, focused on pragmatic outcomes, but over time they can develop into strong emotional bonds, says Kilik.
A recent study examined the different ways in which Russians and Canadians value friendships.
She showed that Russians experience friendship as a more intimate relationship, rooted in trust and closeness, unlike Canadians.
"The Russian model is one with fewer friends, but very deep, intense relationships," says Marina Duseren, lead author of the study and associate professor at the University of Quebec in Montreal.
The Canadian model places greater emphasis on respecting people's autonomy and has fewer expectations of close friends.
"There's no idea that you'll always find a friend in need, no matter what," says Dusseren.
There are striking linguistic differences in how Russian and English speakers talk about friendship, according to Duseren.
Russians use the term 'friend' (družiše) only for people they are very close to, and call people they like to spend time with 'comrades' (družiše and koreš), she says.
In English, however, the word "friend" can describe "a wide range of relationships."
There could be a historical explanation for these different attitudes towards friendship, says Duseren.
"In the Soviet Union, it was extremely risky to have close relationships, even between families," she says.
"The solution was to have fewer individuals you could trust completely. This idea of trust is key to Russian friendships."
Whether it's a playground buddy, a close relative in the style of Ashaninka, a Russian-type buddy, or a fellow dolphin who loves to hunt in deep waters like you, having a friend and ally in life can obviously make a big difference.
For some, that connection begins in childhood. For others, it may take longer.
But, as Denworth points out, it pays to be persistent – because it's never too late to find a best friend.
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