Marina Rosi
BBC News Brazil
Dr. Ilana Elea, a writer, educator, and sexologist, suggested to her husband for their 10th wedding anniversary that something would fundamentally change their relationship - to no longer be monogamous and have an open marriage.
Elea is Brazilian, graduated in sex therapy from the Contemporary Institute for Clinical Sexology, and has lived in Sweden since 2011.
Before proposing to her husband, she had been studying open relationships for some time while writing her first erotic story, "Emma and Sex."
Through the title character, Emma, Elea dealt with ideas she had been exploring for a long time.
Her husband accepted the proposal and they celebrated with a glass of champagne.
Five years later, the couple says they have a "varied" relationship and that the new arrangement has been largely successful.
However, Elea does not idealize him.
"A third of relationships that become open end in breakups," she says.
"But that's also the average for monogamous relationships."
"In other words, it's not really crucial."
"That's why it's best to choose the relationship model that suits you best."
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Consensual non-monogamy
Elea advocates for the concept of consensual non-monogamy - an umbrella term that refers to people with multiple emotional or sexual partners.
Such a relationship is characterized by "complete openness" of all parties involved.
This is why experts sometimes refer to this concept as "ethical" or "responsible" non-monogamy, as opposed to infidelity.
"This concept encompasses any type of relationship that is based on the consent of all participants and that in some way, to a greater or lesser extent, makes more flexible the assumed idea of exclusivity - whether emotional, erotic, romantic, or sexual," explains Elea.
She, however, makes a distinction between an open relationship and what is known as polyamory.
"Open relationships usually involve sexual freedom without romance - casual or casual encounters, without falling in love."
"Polyamory involves love and passion, and what is called the energy of a new relationship - the excitement of falling in love again."
Elea practices what she calls "a diverse, sensual, loving, and empathetic agreement."
"I have one foot in polyamory," she says.
"Not completely, but with the idea that it's possible to love and have romantic relationships with more than one person."
"My husband prefers chance encounters. We talk about it openly."
Think about your relationship.
In her experience, the most common starting point for couples looking to move into an open relationship is the so-called "don't ask, don't tell" approach.
"Something like: 'I think exclusivity may not be possible or desirable for us.'"
"But I don't want to know."
"'Don't tell me, and I won't ask,'" explains Elea.
She warns that this model often fails due to a lack of honesty and conversation.
"What was supposed to bring people closer ends up driving them apart," she warns.
Elea recommends that before you start talking to your partner about the possibility of moving into an open relationship, make a "list of your feelings and desires."
"Think about your relationship.
"What are you missing? What are your desires and limits?"
"Honestly write down your fantasies."
"No one will see it - it's just you," she advises.
Moving into an open relationship also requires conversation and empathy, she says.
"It's a difficult moment... especially for those who grew up with social values that assume monogamy is the noblest form of love and symbolizes respect and loyalty between people who love each other," says Elea.
"Agreements are reached through conversation - how far are you willing to go? With whom?
"And it's important that boundaries are not mocked, but understood," she says.
A support network is also extremely important, adds Elea.
"Read about the topic, listen to podcasts."
"Look for groups that deal with areas that interest you," says Dr. Elea.
"The stigma is real."
"Seek advice from professionals who understand that these are valid ways to experience and live love," she advises.
Elea adds that moving to an open relationship to fix what's already broken rarely works.
"Forget about it," she says.
"It's not therapy or a last resort to save the relationship."
"The transition to an open relationship usually happens consciously and organically, when the relationship is good and both parties want to improve it together."
Hate and hope
When Elea first spoke publicly about the change in her marriage, she received thousands of offensive comments.
"Some were absurd: 'You're doing it because you don't want to lose your man,'" she recalls.
But she also received support, as well as letters from couples who were encouraged by her story to open such conversations themselves.
"No one is born monogamous," Elea claims.
"Nobody asks you if you want it."
"Laws, beliefs, fairy tales, family expectations - everything indicates that the love between two people must be exclusive."
"Historically, men had freedom, while women were punished," she explains.
That system is tied to heritage, religion and ancestry, she adds.
"Mandatory monogamy assumes that monogamy is good, pure, and moral, and stigmatizes anyone who deviates from that."
Is Elea happier now?
"Without a doubt," she says.
"But it also has to do with who I am today."
"15 years ago, after the trauma and betrayal, I would never have been ready for this kind of relationship."
"Back then, the exclusivity in the relationship gave me a sense of security."
"Over time, that desire disappeared."
"It's a common occurrence, as 40 percent of long-term relationships become sexless marriages."
Moving to an open relationship means honesty and freedom for her.
"Why should love have to end just because people believe there is only one right way to love?" she asks.
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