In a crowded bar on a Friday night, a guest sits alone, waiting for a friend.
Noticing a lonely guest, the bartender starts chatting with her, asking her how her day was, and she seems to accept the casual conversation.
Soon the two of them "clicked", time flies and the late friend is forgotten.
The bartender is charming, and the flirtatious chatter during this chance encounter puts the guest at ease.
The guest enjoys the attention, and why wouldn't she?
"When someone flirts with you, you feel appreciated and your opinion of your own attractiveness increases," says Gurit Birnbaum, a psychology professor at Reichman University in Israel.
In other words, it feels good when someone flirts with you.
But is that good for you?
In the bar scenario, our bartender doesn't know that the guest is in a relationship.
(Birnbaum points out that even if someone is in a relationship, it is expected that they will flirt with others sometimes. “Over time people start fantasizing about other people". This is normal and does not mean that there is something wrong with the relationship.")
Yet, there is something unusual about this interaction that unfolds in the bar.
Although it's the kind of encounter that's probably happening somewhere in the world right now, in this case the bartender is computer-generated, and the interaction takes place in virtual reality.
It takes place in a world created by Birnbaum.
Reflecting on the assumption that people in long-term relationships start to fantasize about others, Birnbaum wondered whether fantasies could help us regulate our potentially destructive desires.
It was interesting to see whether flirting with a virtual bartender would make someone in a serious relationship more or less inclined to flirt in real life.
"I thought this safe space (virtual reality) could help people control their desires and help them maintain existing relationships," she says.
"I can think about whatever I want, and that's it."
"And I don't have to live out those fantasies."
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The virtual bartender seems a bit strange - His movements are stiff and his face is a bit creepy.
(“Virtual reality is much more immersive than what you see on video, so don’t be disappointed,” Birnbaum warned me when she sent me the video.)
You certainly wouldn't think he was a real person.
But the speech is realistic, and the five-minute conversation flows quite naturally.
After removing their headsets, participants in Birnbaum's experiment were presented with either a standard attractive interviewer or an attractive stranger, who was actually the researcher posing as someone in need of help.
Respondents who flirted with the virtual bartender said they found the interviewer less attractive and spent less time helping the stranger than those who did not flirt during the conversation.
It's as if flirting in a virtual bar "vaccinated" them against temptations in real life, says Birnbaum.
Respondents also said that after flirting at a bar, felt greater desire for their real partner.
Flirting with strangers while you're in a relationship can strengthen your relationship with your partner, says Birnbaum, but warns that it can be slippery terrain.
It's important to have a good understanding of your own and your partner's flirting boundaries, she emphasizes.
And the line between harmless flirting and cheating can be thin.
"When people are exposed to standards of infidelity, for example if you know that your peers are cheating on their partners, you are more likely to do it yourself," she says.
This is called "contagious infidelity".
Birnbaum adds that there is a "constellation of personality traits" that makes some people more prone to infidelity or more resilient.
For example, narcissistic and people who have attachment issues are more prone to fraud than others.
"We need to take into account many factors to be able to predict which seductive experiences might lead to infidelity," Birnbaum says.
Although careful flirting can be good, many people find that they are bad at it.
In a survey of 7.000 male Reddit users, poor flirting skills were The fifth most common reason (out of a total of 43) why respondents did not have a partner.
Fortunately, it is possible to learn how to flirt better.
After three hours of flirting training, which included learning techniques for a more confident attitude during conversations, the group of adult participants was better at flirting, and they were also more free and open.
It is possible to learn other flirting skills.
Open body posture, such as a more upright and wider stance, turning directly towards the interlocutor and raising the head, increases romantic attraction for both men and women, probably because we associate taking up more space with dominance and openness and relaxation (although excessive and intrusive taking up space can make others angry).
This works both in real-life speed dating situations and on online dating networks.
Since a brief encounter or a quick glance at a photo can make or break someone's chances of a successful flirtation, taking up more space can increase the chances of success.
The need to make the most of space is not something we are always aware of, says T. Joel Wade, a professor of psychology at Bucknell University in the United States of America (USA).
"It's not like, 'Oh, there's someone beautiful over there, I need to spread out.'
"It's just natural behavior."
This nonverbal demonstration of dominance can be expressed by spreading the body or spreading personal belongings around, which shows relaxation and a sense of belonging to the space, he explains.
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Although flirting is often overt and obvious, it can also be covert – expressed in actions that you don't even recognize as flirting, explains Marianne Fisher, a psychology professor at Saint Mary's University in Canada.
People most often flirt with nonverbal signals, such as touching or arranging their hair.
This behavior is called "licking," she says.
"It's to make us more attractive to that person."
Differences in flirting techniques exist regardless of sexual orientation.
For example, men, people who describe their identity as "male," and people who adhere to "masculine" gender roles are more likely to flirt openly with words and actions, regardless of who they are attracted to.
On the other hand, women, people who identify as "feminine," and people who describe their gender roles as "feminine" are more likely to flirt covertly and nonverbally.
If flirting patterns cannot be predicted based on sexual orientation, existing research, which has largely focused on standard gender roles and sex, may be "sufficient to capture the experiences of flirting among sexual minorities," write Jen Clark of the University of British Columbia in Canada, Flora Oswald of Pennsylvania State University in the US, and Corey L. Pedersen of Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Canada.
"There's some research that suggests there may be slight differences between different sexual orientations, but overall there's a lot of universality between flirting styles and gender," Wade agreed.
Other covert and nonverbal examples of flirting can be anything - from eye contact, hugs, giggling at jokes, to sharing food, which we don't usually do with strangers.
And in a context that is not related to flirting, symbols of attachment to someone include taking your partner's last name at the wedding or wearing a wedding ring.
"These nonverbal symbols and cues are often used when your partner is not present, to let you know you are busy," says Fisher.
They can also be used to indicate that someone else is unavailable.
"If you want to signal that your partner is busy, the easiest way is to do something."
"It's easier to hug him than to tell someone to move away," says Fisher.
And of course, not showing exclusive interest is one of the most off-putting flirting behaviors, probably because we like to have undivided attention people we're on a romantic date with.
Subtle flirting can be better because the flirt can quickly end the interaction if necessary, with the ability to plausibly claim that there was no romantic intent at all, says Wade.
In general, men overestimate romantic interest, as they may misinterpret friendliness as attraction, while women underestimate this interest, which can cause a situation popularly called the "friend zone."
"The so-called false positive rate is much different in heterosexual men than in heterosexual women," says Fisher.
"Smiling, at least in Canadian culture, is a given, right?"
"It's a way to lighten the situation and make you seem friendly."
"But heterosexual men see a woman smiling and think, 'Yeah, she's interested in me.'"
Fisher says some companies are taking advantage of this tendency to overvalue flirting and hiring women for jobs that involve direct interaction with guests, such as restaurant hostesses.
"There have been court cases in the US where women have claimed they were being courted because they were ordered to smile and participate in these forced interactions that are perceived as sexual," she says.
And these perceptions disproportionately affect women.
So, it's worth asking the question: Was the virtual bartender really interested in the guest sitting alone, or was he just being a friendly bartender?
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