The Science of Soulmates: Is There Someone Made Just for You?

In ancient Greece, the philosopher Plato imagined that we were once complete beings with four arms, four legs, and two faces, so brilliant that the god Zeus cut us in half.

2715 views 0 comment(s)

Photo: BBC

Disclaimer: The translations are mostly done through AI translator and might not be 100% accurate.

17.02.2026. 19:57h

Palab Ghosh, BBC Science

Often, and especially on Valentine's Day, we can be tempted to believe that somewhere out there is "the one" - our soulmate, our perfect other half, someone who is meant for us.

Throughout history, people have tended to believe that love is not accidental.

In ancient Greece, the philosopher Plato imagined that we were once complete beings with four arms, four legs, and two faces, so radiant that the god Zeus cut us in half.

And since then, each half has been wandering the world looking for its missing other half.

It is a myth from which today's belief in the existence of soulmates draws its poetics and promise that somewhere there is someone who will finally make us whole.

In the Middle Ages, troubadours and the cycle of legends about King Arthur and the knights transformed this longing into "courtly love," a strong, often forbidden attachment, like that felt by Lancelot for Guinevere.

The knight then proved his worth by sacrificing himself for the beloved to whom he could never openly declare his love.

By the Renaissance, writers like William Shakespeare spoke of "unhappy loves" - couples who were strongly connected but were separated by family, unfortunate circumstances, differences in status and wealth, or fate - as if the universe itself had simultaneously written their love story and prevented them from having a happy ending.

In recent times, Hollywood and romance novels have been selling us fairy-tale love stories.

And what does the latest scientific findings say about soulmates?

Is there really someone out there who is made just for us?

How we fall in love with "the one"

Viren Swamy, a professor of social psychology at Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge, England, says that today's European understanding of romantic love has its roots in medieval Europe and the stories of Camelot, Lancelot, Guinevere, and the heroism of the Knights of the Round Table that spread across the continent.

"Those stories first promoted the idea that you should choose one person as your life partner and that they are your partner for life," he says.

"Before that, in much of Europe, you could love as many people as you wanted, and love was fluid and often not connected to sexual intercourse."

Over time, as industrialization destroyed agricultural communities and separated people from their traditional environments, people became "alienated," he says.

"They began to look for one person to save them, to save them from the misery of their lives."

Today's dating apps turn that story into an algorithm, which Swami calls "connection shopping."

The search for a soulmate turns into the opposite of what people are looking for.

"For many people it's a very heartless experience."

"You're looking for a partner... you're browsing through probably dozens of people on a dating app until you get to the point where you think... I have to stop," he says.

"The one or the other"

Jason Carroll, a professor of marriage and family studies at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, understands the longing to find "the one."

"We are beings who have a need to connect with others," he says.

"We want that connection."

However, in his lectures, he tells students that they shouldn't think about their soulmate, but that they shouldn't give up on their desire for "this or that right".

It sounds like a contradiction, but Carol believes it's the difference between fate and effort.

"A soulmate is easy to find."

"She is already 'created'."

"But 'one right or one right' is something two people build together over years of adjustment, apologies, and occasional gritting of teeth," he says.

Watch the video: Why we kiss

The trap of believing in the existence of a soulmate

Carroll's argument is based on decades of research, which he summarized in a report The trap of believing in the existence of a soulmate (The Soulmate Trap).

Much of this work distinguishes between what psychologists call "faith in destiny," the belief that a good relationship should be easy and natural, and "developmental belief," which focuses on what partners can do to have a good relationship.

In an often-cited series of studies conducted in the late 1990s and early 2000s by Professor Chip Raymond Nee of the University of Texas at Houston, researchers found that people who believed their relationships were "meant to be" were much more likely to doubt their commitment to their partner after arguments.

Those who were committed to building their relationships tended to remain more committed to the relationship, even on days when they argued with their partners.

People who believe in building relationships also want something special, but they also expect difficult moments, says Carol.

"They wonder... what can they do to improve their relationship, to make it progress and be stronger?"

In his opinion, believing in the existence of a soulmate is a trap, not because of love itself, but because of the expectation that love should never be difficult.

He says the "most relatable" part of a long-term relationship is not the emotional charge depicted in the film, but "always being 'first in line' for each other, not only for each other's virtues and strengths, but also for each other's weaknesses and when they face challenges."

"It's a pretty sacred place," he says.

"We only know these things because the other side allowed us to be there."

Carroll believes that when love is viewed as fate, people are less willing to do the invisible work that actually keeps love alive.

He adds that the belief in the existence of a soulmate makes it much more difficult to maintain a relationship when the first serious problem arises.

"The first time any difficulty arises, the thought immediately arises: 'Well, I thought you were my soulmate.'"

"But maybe you didn't, because soulmates shouldn't have to deal with things like this," he says.

"But if a relationship is going to last, it will never be marked by only good things or only bad things."

Spark or trauma?

Vicky Pavitt, a relationship coach from London, often works with people who thought they had found their soulmate, only to discover that the fairy tale was full of emotional manipulation, fickleness and a constant sense of anxiety.

"When there's a lot of chemistry and sparks, I think it can sometimes mean opening up old unhealthy patterns, like old wounds," she says.

"Someone who is inconsistent or acts hot and cold may make you think, 'I can't wait to see him/her again,' but what's really happening is that they're causing you so much anxiety that it makes you want more."

Pavitt says that what we feel like fate may be a signal from our nervous system recognizing something that has hurt us in the past and trying to fix it, a pattern that therapists call a traumatic bond.

He says that this relationship can act like love and that's why people can feel a magnetic attraction to unhealthy relationships, because they are famous, not because they are a perfect match.

One of the studies that is often cited is the work of Canadian psychologists Donald Dutton and Susan Painter.

In a study published in 1993, while working at the University of British Columbia, they followed 75 women who had left abusive partners.

The team measured how much attachment the women still felt to their ex-partners and compared this with the nature of their relationships.

They found that the strongest bonds with their ex-partners were not among women who were constantly abused, but rather those whose partners were alternately charming and cruel.

Dutton and Painter argue that this traumatic connection helps explain why people can feel a strong attraction to relationships that are objectively bad for them - because the mix of danger and tenderness is familiar, not because it is healthy.

This is precisely the difference that Pavit tries to explain to the people he works with.

"It's about distinguishing whether the chemistry you're feeling means that the person is compatible with you, or whether it's just a familiar feeling of anxiety."

"I never talk about soulmates in conversations," she says.

"I personally don't believe there is the right person for everyone, but I do believe we become 'the one' for someone."

Real chemistry

If dismissing the existence of a soulmate sounds unromantic, the biology of attraction points in the same direction.

Hormonal contraception can have a subtle impact on a partner's feelings.

Research suggests that pills that mitigate natural hormonal changes may reduce the changes in attraction that typically occur during the menstrual cycle, potentially influencing initial partner choice.

A large study of 365 heterosexual couples found that women's sexual satisfaction was higher when their current contraceptive use status was the same as when they initially chose a partner, suggesting that changes in pill use can alter how a partner is perceived.

These influences are small, but they can help explain the puzzling changes in chemistry that some couples experience over time.

If hormones and pills can influence who seems like "the one" to us, then it's harder to argue that there's only one, predetermined match.

This is where mathematicians come into play.

The right one, but not the only one

Psychology and biology offer one way of thinking about "this or that right," but mathematics offers another.

Dr. Greg Leo, an economist at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee, developed a compatibility algorithm.

He discovers that there is not just one person who is "the one," but many.

In his work on soulmate matching, all participants, who are digitally created, are placed in a computer-simulated "dating pool" and rank each other.

Its algorithm finds "first-order soulmates" - couples who choose each other based on a stable match.

Then it removes them from the set and runs the algorithm again with those that remain, and gets second-order soulmates, and so on.

In his simulations, mutual first choices were extremely rare, but many participants received partners who were second or third choices.

In this scenario, a couple is considered happy if they are both ranked high on the other's list and if neither of them can find anyone else they would like more.

Perhaps this is just the result of data processing, but the love algorithm indicates that there are many suitable partners, not just one who is the right one.

Watch the video: The power of a hug in just a few seconds

Pay attention to the little things

So how can a couple together create the right one?

This was researched by Jackie Gabb, professor of sociology and intimate relationships at the Open University in the United Kingdom, in the Long Love project (Enduring Love), which was published in the journal Sociology in 2015.

The research included around 5.000 people, then followed 50 couples in detail and combined statistics with diaries, conversations and feelings about events at home.

When Gab asked people what makes them feel appreciated, the answers weren't sunset proposals or surprise trips to Paris.

These were "little gifts for no reason, thoughtful actions, and bringing a cup of tea to bed."

A warmed-up car on a cold morning, picked wildflowers in a vase, the smiles their partners give them at a party.

These, as Gab describes them, "everyday signs of attention," have proven to be quantitatively much more powerful than grand romantic acts.

In her survey, 22 percent of mothers and 20 percent of childless women cited such small signs of attention as one of the two most important things that made them feel valued, more than pompous evening outings and expensive gifts.

Relationship satisfaction was not primarily related to money or romance, but to "intimate knowledge of one's partner" and their everyday expressions.

In the young couple's diary used for the project, Sumaira describes her partner's arrival home, the dinner she prepared, a hug in the hallway, and the two of them at the table.

"It's perfect," she wrote in her diary.

"Just us and food. What more could I want?"

Then there's a spontaneous dance in the living room, a walk in the tall grass when she's afraid of the dark, and a photo that her partner loves so much that he puts it as the wallpaper on his phone.

It's more like a nice everyday story than a fairy tale - there are no glass slippers, but there are rubber boots.

Yet, Gab emphasizes that through this tenderness run financial worries, family obligations, and a history of depression that the couple is learning to cope with together.

"The feeling of soulmate here doesn't float above life, it's built, step by step, through life, by how the couple deals with those pressures," she says.

'Are we going to make something out of this?'

Science does not take away romance, but its role is to help it flourish, in both good and bad times, Carroll believes.

"I'm perfectly okay with the desire to be in a unique, special relationship, as long as we understand that such a relationship has to be created," he says.

Vicki Pavitt believes that "it's okay, even helpful, to believe that there's someone out there for you, as long as you know there are plenty of people out there with whom you can have great connections and you stop expecting anyone to be perfect."

And when it comes to soulmates, science suggests that there is a paradox.

People who end up in relationships that seem "destined" are often the ones who stopped waiting for fate, turned to someone imperfect next to them, and essentially said: Are we going to make something of this together?

Additional reporting by Florence Freeman

Author of the first photo: Getty Images

BBC is in Serbian from now on and on YouTube, follow us HERE.

Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube i Viber. If you have a topic suggestion for us, please contact bbcnasrpskom@bbc.co.uk

Bonus video: