On the occasion of Prime Minister Zdravko Krivokapić's statement that a family is complete with children, and that a small family is egoistic, we are publishing the text of colleague Damira Kalač from November 2019.
I am 44 years old. And I don't have children. I have heard the question many times - why don't you give birth to one. Sometimes I would just wave my hand. Sometimes I would ask "what is mine"... There were, and still are, days when I fell apart into the tiniest parts. I'm breaking down.
Don't tell me to give birth. Maybe I don't want to. And that is my right. And maybe just today I found out that another attempt to get pregnant - failed.
From November 5 to 11, European Infertility Week is celebrated. It's in Europe 25 million men and women struggling with infertility. Every sixth couple struggles with infertility.
And we two are among them.
Europe established Infertility Week four years ago. We both went to the in vitro fertilization clinic for the first time about three years ago.
I didn't know then, I know now - the out of body procedure is like playing a game. You have several levels - you play and hope to move on to the next one.
Since I didn't understand much myself until I got into the process, I will try to simplify some things in this story.
Depending on the diagnosis, the recommended procedures are also different. In our case – ICSI, a procedure during which, in the laboratory, the sperm is directly inserted into the egg cell.
The procedure takes about 15 days. That's how often a woman's life naturally goes from the first day of menstruation (the beginning of the cycle) to the fertile days (ovulation, the time when an egg is released).
From the follicle to the baby
Before the procedure itself, laboratory findings are mandatory - hormones, smears... I didn't count that in those 15 days. When all the findings are finished and in order, the start of the cycle is waiting. With the onset of menstruation, gynecological examinations begin, during which follicles are observed. To put it simply, follicles grow on a woman's ovaries every month and carry eggs. At least you hope so. An empty follicle means no egg, which means no baby.
The procedure in which the doctor monitors the growth of follicles is folliculometry. In a natural cycle, one follicle grows more than the others. In vitro, as a result of the therapy, the growth of several follicles is stimulated at once. When they grow enough, in a natural process the follicles burst and release the egg cell. With in vitro fertilization, the doctor simulates that "bursting" (aspiration), and times the time so that it does not happen by itself, and yet in time for the egg cells, if there are any in the follicles, to be mature enough for fertilization.
If there are, I say, because - the follicles can be empty. They can also contain immature eggs. They may contain eggs that are not of good quality.
Fertilization is done only for mature and high-quality eggs. For each egg cell, in the ICSI procedure, one sperm is sufficient.
When the sperm and egg are finally paired, you wait for the next level – whether fertilization will occur. If it has come - is the embryo developing properly? If that also goes well, here we are at the last level - transfer!
Transfer is the return of a fertilized ovum, or embryo, to the woman's uterus. After the transfer, you wait another two weeks to take a pregnancy test.
My game
Try first. Follicles present on both ovaries. Great news! I am receiving therapy. I, who used to avoid injections from health centers, suddenly have no problem injecting myself. Suddenly, the fear of needles is no longer my greatest fear.
Another measurement of the follicles shows that they are growing. The third, however, shows that growth has stopped. We are adjourning the proceedings. This time we didn't even get past the first level of the game.
And you ask me on those days - why I don't give birth.
Try another one. Same doctor, same clinic. The same with therapy. Again follicles present on both ovaries. They are growing. One finally stands out as the leader. Scheduled aspiration. This is the procedure in which the follicles are "punctured" and checked to see if there are eggs in them. I'm happy, we're moving to the next level of the game!
We didn't though, because the follicle burst before I laid down on the table.
And you ask me again - why I don't give birth.
Before the third attempt, without going into why and how, I had an operation. Suspicion of endometriosis, I visited a dozen gynecologists, heard different opinions, to operate, not to operate. She operated. She was clean though.
Try third. Another clinic, another doctor, another therapy. Follicles again present on both ovaries, growing, aspiration scheduled. Two eggs, both fertilized, transfer scheduled! Well, that's already a level in the game!
I am lying on the table, looking at the image of the embryo on the screen, it seems to me that I can already hear their heart beating. That doesn't happen, it's a long way from being a baby, but in my head it was like that.
"You are pregnant now," the nurses say after the transfer to encourage you.
And it's not that it's not true in a way - there are two fertilized eggs in my womb, which have started to develop into something more than that. Now we are waiting for them to continue to grow and to "get attached".
In 14 days test. I am highly emotional. What about therapy, what about desire. I wish I could calm down, but – teach me how to do it. I do not know.
To make the two weeks go by faster, I went back to work. Don't expect women to be more understanding of other women. The woman knew about everything I was going through. A colleague from work. I told her because she is my superior, I told her so that she would know what's wrong with me, if I stumble emotionally while I'm working. And I did. And then she didn't really understand me.
Test negative. Same scenario a few months later. Meanwhile, for my birthday last year, I received another egg cell. How I rejoiced. You remember, having an egg means we have a chance for fertilization, transfer and a baby. My sister got a little angry, because I didn't call her to tell her about it, but a friend who is going through the same thing.
Don't be angry. A woman in the process sometimes needs someone to understand her when she speaks. And as I write this, I don't know if you all understand every word and magnitude of every step I went through. Through which many around you go.
Birthday egg. We got it unexpectedly, after aspiration of the follicle, which turned out to be empty. I jokingly told the nurse at the clinic that something was still bothering me. It turned out that I had another follicle, which "hid".
It was a great birthday, a bit expensive (about 900 euros), but - great. Who wouldn't want to lie on the table in the operating room for their birthday, have an aspiration performed on them and find an egg cell after piercing the follicle?!
Unfortunately, even though she was fertilized, the embryo did not develop, so nothing came of that attempt either...
And then you ask me again - why I don't give birth.
These are less than three years of my life. These are just dashes, really. No financial details.
We don't know what other people are going through
During this time, I met many couples struggling with infertility. Years. Some for a decade or longer. I heard many stories, especially from women.
The fight with men, who do not want to admit that they have a problem, sometimes seems more difficult than the fight with sterility. Who don't even want to hear about sperm analysis. Because, they believe, sterility does not happen to them.
And the problem of sterility affects both men and women equally.
The struggle with sterility is more difficult than the struggle with the environment and the questions "is there anything new", "when will", "why don't you give birth"...
None of us know what other people are going through. The least you can do is - don't make it difficult with questions that invade someone's privacy. When I want, I myself tell about what I am going through.
You don't even know if I want children. If I don't want to, that's my right too. If I want to, maybe my follicles don't grow. Maybe there are no eggs in my follicles. Maybe my eggs just aren't healthy and mature today. Maybe my eggs weren't fertilized. Maybe my embryos just stopped developing today. Maybe I just got another negative pregnancy test today.
And you know, there are women who have had cancer. There are women who have had their uterus removed. There are women who were born without a uterus or it is insufficiently developed. There are also women who have many other problems that prevent them from getting pregnant. There are also those who became pregnant, but - they lost their babies.
There are also couples who do not have an obvious problem, then again - there is no baby.
Next time, think twice before you ask someone about children, before you tell your wife - why don't you give birth.
And if you have a problem, then don't hesitate to ask for help.
In Montenegro, it is possible to do three procedures at the expense of the state. I have not heard of similar support at the level of municipalities or that it is provided by employers, as is the case, for example, in Serbia.
There is also an association in Serbia A chance for parenthood, which contributed to changes in the law and the adoption of regulations related to assisted reproduction, they also organized two festivals, run an excellent group on Facebook.
On the occasion of the European Week of (in)fertility, from November 5, they will be at theirs YouTube channel the documentary on infertility "Journey to a Baby" will also be available.
Bonus video:
