Republika Konzum

That's why there's no more Feral Tribune, and why there shouldn't be. She would go out to Ferala, if there was one, some kind of banter with the unstoppable Ivica Todorić, something like, I know, "starting today in Konzum's stores, among other things, you can get biochemical blood tests at reasonable prices", all with a photomontage of a nurse at the cash register asks the neighbor if he has Konzum's health card with him, many readers would take that prank seriously - as, after all, Feral's pranks were often taken seriously - and rush to the nearest Konzum supermarket, and there, as the pranks end, the lady at the checkout tired would explain in her voice for the twentieth time since this morning that you have misunderstood everything, because she is not drawing blood, but blood is being drawn there on the far left, between the garden equipment and the stand with Sava's summer tires on sale.

Everything is bursting with ideas

Whoever's idea was that thing with Agrokor's Aviva polyclinic and blood laboratory tests in Konzum's stores, they should be bowed down to the floor. Meetings of Apple's or Google's creative team, for example, are ordinary boring sessions of the county committee for general affairs compared to the firework brainstorming of Konzum's Board of Directors, where everything sparkles and fizzes from those, as they are called, business ideas.

- Come on, why am I paying you, where are the ideas? - Ivica Todorić was spinning around the big conference table.

- Shall I hear?

- I have one - answered an ambitious younger manager, and after a short dramatic pause, theatrically spread his hands and said only: - Newspapers.

- What newspaper? - witnesses say, Todorić was startled.

- Newspapers at newsagents.

Watch out - the young man got fired up, and started declaiming in an affected voice. - "From today, in addition to postal services, cash withdrawals, bill payments, games of chance, photocopying, making photos and prints on mugs, cell phone vouchers, bus tickets, morning coffee and croissants, you can also buy your favorite newspapers at Tiska kiosks! "

- That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard - the Chief was shocked. - Who on earth would buy a newspaper at a kiosk and why?!

- I can? - then the other answered cautiously. - Why don't we get involved in public health? For example: "From now on, in Konzum's sales centers, you can take blood for biochemical tests, perform specialist examinations, try one of the operations from our cardiac surgery program or transplant a kidney."

- That is great! - enthusiastically applauded Todorić.

- How much do we need for the first shipment?

Kidneys from China

- Kidney? Until I get the shipping from China and the paperwork done... well, let's say three months. But we can draw blood immediately.

As you can see, there is no more fooling around with Todorić. Some third-rate columnist will ask the following question whether citizens will soon be able to buy a family tomb in Konzum stores and Tiska newsstands, pass a driving test, shoot a feature film, apply for incentives in agriculture, receive Holy Communion or enroll in a philology faculty, many the reader will take that prank seriously - just as pranks with Todorić are often taken seriously - and rush to the nearest Konzum supermarket, and there, just as the pranks are ending, the lady at the cash register will explain in a tired voice for the twentieth time since this morning how you got everything wrong, she she has a master's degree in philology, but she does not work on admissions, admissions to philology are on the far left, between the K-Plus neurosurgery reception desk and Konzum's misdemeanor court.

- I have an idea - that's how the young manager, the sun of Todorić, will answer, and after a short dramatic pause, theatrically spread his hands and say only: - Building permits. - Building permits? - said the Chief.

- And not only that. Watch out - the young manager will get fired up and start declaiming in an affected voice. - "From today, in Konzum's stores, you can quickly and easily present a building permit, a residence permit, a birth certificate, a divorce, a license for small coastal fishing or a certificate of impunity!"

- That's great, it's going to go like crazy! - Todorić will applaud enthusiastically, then turn to the lawyer. - Slavery, what do you say?

- Fuck, it can't be - Boris Porobija will answer him shortly. - It already exists.

- Impossible! Who remembered?

- Country. Republic of Croatia.

Namely, it is no longer a matter of money: if it once was, it is no longer - not with Ivica Todorić. After Konzum Benz gas stations in the parking lots of its supermarkets stepped into the oil business, through the distribution of packages and cash transactions in newsagents, he managed the mail and finances, and through laboratory blood tests he entered public health - after, finally, he introduced Konzum vouchers into the official payment system of the Republic of Croatia - it is now certain that Ivica Todorić's ambitions are much greater than usual , of trivial steam beating. His dream of a thousand years and billions of kuna is the state. Agro Croatia. Republika Konzum.

Serious visions

In his visions, and don't ever laugh at Todorić's visions, the owner of Agrokora sees himself as the chairman of the board of his private Republic - well, at least in majority ownership - and her as a corporate utopia, a closed, sustainable combination of an agricultural-industrial combine, a commercial chain and a classic state, with huge supermarkets as state institutions and neighborhood tobacconists as, um, local self-government bodies.

If you ask me, it is a country worth giving blood for. As quick and simple as you can get, you can go to the laboratory of the Aviva polyclinic in the nearest Konzum supermarket.

(Free Dalmatia)