Kožo called me once at two past midnight to tell a joke. He has this habit of calling in the dead of night from the pub to tell a joke.
Well, Mujo came with a nasty diagnosis to the doctor, who says to get a second opinion. He looked at the findings, all sighing and humming, then he said this: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but according to everything I see, Mr. Mujo, you have six months left to live, a year at the most." "A year of life?!" Mujo screamed in horror. "And from what, my dear doctor?"
That should be researched, that branch of medicine should be established: to find out once and for all what people in Bosnia and Herzegovina live on. This revolutionary idea occurred to me the other day, when I came across perhaps the best title in the entire history of Bosnian journalism - and having the best title in the history of journalism that produced editorial masterpieces like "Fires are written black" is no joke at all - so while reading a Sarajevo daily newspaper, he saw the headline "We investigated", and under it in bold letters the title: "How do doctors know what someone died of?"
"How do doctors know what someone died of"?!
Well, fuck the sun and all the sun's energy photosynthesized with it into organic molecules of the leaves of that beech tree, which is used to make paper for newspapers that investigate how doctors know what someone died of! For example, if I had money and was the owner of Oslobođenja, I would immediately bring in that editorial genius, and give him the ten best people and an unlimited budget for research specials. "We investigated: how does the hodja in Kladnje know which direction the Kaaba in Mecca is?" "We investigated: How do they know on the teletext of OBN that Nazar will cut off her hair in tonight's episode so that the evil mother would not marry her to the rich Cabbar-aga?" "We investigated: How does a thermos bottle, motherfucker, know when it's summer and when it's winter?" As you can see, the potential of investigative journalism in Bosnia and Herzegovina is unsuspected.
In the sensational research special "How do doctors know what someone died of?", for example, it was possible to read how in the Pathology Service of the Zenica Cantonal Hospital - I quote - "in the autopsy room, the causes of death of people who were smiling until yesterday are discovered every day, enjoyed life, ran, worked". Of course, in the investigative special entitled "How doctors know what someone died of" we did not find out how doctors know what someone died of: the closest the journalist got to that secret was when the head of the department cryptically told him that those at Pathology "try to connect things in order to the cause of death was revealed". But that doesn't matter anyway, as I said, it just gave me an idea.
So: "We investigated - how do doctors know what someone lived on?"
Well, I would let Bosnian journalism and medicine explore and investigate that. We know what Bosnians and Herzegovinians will eventually die from, there's nothing to be smart about - whether it's a bullet or cancer, whether it's chakija or brandy, there are no heels, you don't need a medical degree for that and Service for pathology - but how does Mujo actually live, and from what, my dear doctor, and that is a challenge for pathology journalism and research medicine. To cut it short: The vivisection service.
Vivisection, namely, comes in reverse of pathology, pathology is done on the dead, and vivisection on the living, pathology reveals what someone died from, so vivisection would reveal what someone lives from.
A service for vivisection, that's how I imagined it: some kind of cantonal hospital, a basement, a waiting room, a long-gone ficus and a small windowpane on a dirty wall, "doardan", "alaykumsalam", "I have an appointment for nine", "okay, here you go ”, then a small hall completely covered with light blue ceramic tiles, of which, as is customary, every tenth one is missing, and in the middle of the hall is a bed, actually more of a table made of stainless steel. Mujo then takes off all his clothes and lies down, and the doctor cuts him with a scalpel - "does it hurt?", "does it hurt", "it's good while it hurts", the doctor jokingly said, "it wouldn't do if the stomach extraction didn't hurt" - and after an hour of detailed vivisection, he put the organs back inside, then patched it up and sent it off with a report in which he wrote in complicated doctor's handwriting: something, something, then something else in Latin - it is impossible to read exactly what, even Pliny the Elder would understood that - only at the end the familiar "bo" and, of course, "cause of life: unknown".
In normal medicine, namely, "bo" means "without disease", while in vivisection medicine it means "without explanation". "From what, my dear doctor?", "I have no idea, my dear Mujo!".
So what does the good Mujo live on - if we agree at all that this phenomenon, in the absence of another, at least in a statistical sense is life - what Bosnians and Herzegovinans live on, what Bosnia and Herzegovina lives on, is the last serious challenge for world science and Bosnian research journalism. Finally, Mujo came with the findings and the referral, "doardan", "alaykumsalam", "here I am sent from Koševo, from Vivisection, they say these findings are going to you", "good, give it here", he then says with an inexplicable boredom in his voice a lady from the BiH Statistics Agency.
To cut a long story short, according to the official data of the Agency for Statistics, out of the three million seven hundred and something thousand inhabitants of Bosnia and Herzegovina, only seven hundred and something thousand work, that is, exactly three million people in BiH do nothing. It is not known, you understand, how and from what. Of those seven hundred and something thousand employees, almost a third, some two hundred and twenty thousand people, work in the civil service, politics and administration, not counting those who do not receive a salary from the budget, but whose companies and agencies work directly with the state.
All in all - they stole my idea on the Aljazeera portal, and calculated it in a research special under the working title "How do doctors know what someone lives on?" - when you add eight hundred and twenty thousand pensioners, more than two hundred thousand disabled war veterans and family members of the dead, half a million unemployed people with benefits and health care, and beneficiaries of various forms of social assistance, in Bosnia and Herzegovina almost live on the state budget two million people, or half the country.
Well, the sun is fucking you and all the solar energy photosynthesized with it into organic molecules of the leaves of that beech that is used to make paper for money in the state budget! Where from? How? And from what, my good doctor? Neither medicine nor investigative journalism has the answer. Four-fifths of the country is not working, half is on the state apparatus, so, in all, Bosnia and Herzegovina has six months left, a year at the most.
Eh, from what. The closest we will get to that secret is when the head of Košev's Vivisection cryptically adds that in Bosnia and Herzegovina "they are trying to connect things". Because in these matters - and connecting them - there are no better than Bosnians and Herzegovinans.
Each, what can I tell you, doctor. Mayor.
(Oslobođenje.ba)
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