1. Compulsory military service is preparation for compulsory service as such.
2. Obedience to the orders of a competent military officer is preparation for obedience to orders as such.
3. Basic military training is, therefore, only formally military, but in fact it provides comprehensive training for a harmonious and socially productive relationship between today's conscripts and the eternal powers that be.
4. The motto that showing love for one's homeland with a weapon in one's hands was coined by those who show love for weapons with a weapon in one's hands.
5. The thinking presented in the above paragraph, however true, is extremely harmful to national security. It was in order to suppress such and similar deviations that compulsory military service was introduced.
6. Anyone who believes that compulsory military service restricts their personal freedom must know that the freedom of the state is equally important as the freedom of the individuals imprisoned within it.
7. If, based on the Law on Compulsory Military Service, you get the impression that the state owns you, that it owns you as a person, you are absolutely right, but keep in mind that the same thing is true of rivers, forests, mountains, the Adriatic Sea and mineral resources, so these do not rebel.
8. If you oppose mandatory military service, you are showing a pathological lack of feeling for Croatia, with the proviso that emotional disability is not on the list of health conditions with which you can avoid joining the army.
9. Anyone who tries to avoid mandatory military service with the help of false medical documentation – for example, a medical report diagnosing anemia – will be considered a deserter, a pussy, a coward, or a prime minister.
10. The procedure described in the above paragraph is illegal. Violators, depending on the severity of the offense and the assessment of the competent judicial authorities, may be sanctioned with a fine, imprisonment or an obligation to lead the Government for a period of one to ten years.
11. Pacifism, like homosexuality, is a serious mental illness that is, however, successfully treated in specialized mental health facilities, such as barracks.
12. If you believe that the state will take away a few months of your life with its insane, sadistic, tyrannical and – all in all – sick decision on mandatory military service, keep in mind the fact that that life in Croatia like this is not worth God knows what.
13. It's a completely different matter when you lay down your life on the altar of your homeland. Then its value multiplies.
14. The Altar of the Homeland is a metaphor that brings together symbols, myths, narratives, legends, and sung masses that attempt to provide mystical meaning to everyday Croatian crap, including mandatory military service.
15. Among the numerous reasons for introducing mandatory military service, one should also mention that the country is worth defending so that we have something to emigrate from tomorrow.
16. If you would prefer to serve your mandatory military service in civilian life, we inform you that prisons are also civilian institutions.
17. Anyone who thinks that instead of swallowing dust, pumping push-ups, and rolling in the trenches, they would be better off wandering around the streets, drinking coffee, and watching Netflix series is free to think about it in the evening, after the changing of the guard and cleaning their personal weapons.
18. Generally speaking, opinion is just a flamboyant synonym for responding to a command.
19. Since one of the most important goals of compulsory military service is to lose your self as part of regular training, you will find it easier to achieve it if you leave your self at home before joining the army.
20. When you return home after serving your military service, there is a high probability that you will not find it.
21. If you intend to avoid mandatory military service through conscientious objection, you will have to prove to the competent MOD bodies that you have a conscience.
22. Having a conscience is a sign that your parents, along with the educational system, did not raise you in a patriotic spirit, which will be attempted to be compensated for by mandatory military service.
23. Anyone who tries to avoid mandatory military service by referring to their religious beliefs should take into account that Croatia is behind God on the world's civilization map.
24. If you are a Jehovah's Witness, the Law on Compulsory Military Service will significantly enrich your sex life: you are screwed!
25. Military service could be voluntary, but when we know that military training is focused on eliminating one's own will anyway, and therefore good will, the adjective becomes meaningless, and it is logical that military service should be mandatory.
26. If you believe that the introduction of compulsory military service is irrefutable proof that your country has turned into a disgusting militaristic lair, you are screwed insofar as you silently accepted the statement in the first part of the sentence that it is "your country": thereby confirming that it is unacceptable for it to fall into the hands of others.
27. Do not believe the ill-wishers who spread lies that the state is preparing you to become cannon fodder through mandatory military service: your flesh will, more often than cannonballs, be exposed to bullets, aircraft missiles, bomb shrapnel, mortar shell shrapnel, sharpened bayonets, Minister Anušić's murderous monologues, and the like.
28. If we are attacked by a numerically and armedly superior enemy – and throughout history, we have been attacked exclusively by such enemies – it is of crucial importance that we are fully prepared, trained and practiced to meet our doom.
29. "A Croat who is not ready to defend his home with a rifle does not deserve to be called a Croat who is ready to defend his home with a rifle." (Grunf)
30. Since the greatest virtue of a trained soldier is considered to be his willingness to die for his homeland, suicide will be treated as military service completed if you state in your farewell letter in legible handwriting that you threw yourself from a skyscraper "for your homeland."
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