The dying season

Minister Simonida is right when she says that a coordinated and politically motivated campaign against tourism is underway in Montenegro. Every empty beach bothers internal enemies, so they count tourists as if they were on a census. They predict the collapse of the economy and demand parliamentary hearings, while the state-building opposition is saving tourism from the minister like the Thirteenth of July Award from Bećir.

They say that the tourist season is dying before our eyes, because the government of two-thirds brotherhood and unity does not know how to welcome guests.

And if some beaches are half-empty, as MP Đoković says, it is not the government's fault but the conflicts in Ukraine and Gaza. Russians have not come to us for a long time due to EU sanctions, and now other tourists are also avoiding us because of the genocide in Gaza. In vain we offer wild nature and beautiful beaches while drones fly over Kiev and Palestinians die of hunger in front of the whole world. And it is known that the average tourist cares about Gaza just as much as Montenegrin politicians, the media and most of the civil sector.

But Wild Beauty has something to offer even as her opponents give her a forty-day memorial. There may not be any sharks attacking tourists this year, but we can still offer our guests adventures that will keep them coming back for years.

While the works on the Jaz-Tivat boulevard enter their third season, the average Belgrade family has the opportunity to travel to Boka Kotorska like a ring party through the Morija mines. On the way, they will pass the traditional collapse in Budva and spend the night in the blocked Vrmac tunnel where they will share the last sandwiches prepared for the trip. When Belgraders finally reach the sea around noon, they will look from the pontoons of the EU tourists stuck on the Kotor serpentines. Naive foreigners who were promised Njeguška prosciutto and a stunning view of Boka Bay by their guides this morning, are now being defended from aggressive drivers and curses in the BHSC languages.

It's no easier for domestic tourists when they head to Bar and Ulcinj for a swim on the weekend. Those who don't arrive early with the first roosters will have the opportunity to watch Skadar Lake and the glowing Crmnica from the column for hours. And when they pass Sozina and the center of Sutomore, they can celebrate the birth of their only son and then get ready for new columns in Bar and Ulcinj. Adventurers traveling by train won't be so lucky on the way to the sea either. Legend has it that a group of elementary school swimmers boarded the train at the Podgorica station and that the adults got off in Bar, but Sejo Sadiković hasn't had time to film a feature about them yet.

When the average tourist finally reaches Ulcinj, he will see how the sheikh's curse works in practice. Instead of Dubai, in Štoj he will be greeted by neglected beaches and the sun-drenched regional proletariat with pate and tomatoes in a jar. The diaspora will swim in Saranda and Šendjin, while only the bravest guest workers will pay for hamburgers and gold sun loungers. Even Ada is going out of fashion like a selfie with Dritan, because the hipster aristocracy from Podgorica is visiting the Croatian coast in droves. Urban youth who keep themselves to themselves spend their summer from Brač to Rovinj, and those who don't go there are better off telling stories about how they spent the summer lying down with a stomach virus.

Unlike Podgorica's hipsters, urban patriots traditionally visit the mountains in August, ride horses and marvel at the grass and birds in flight. The administration, tired of coffee breaks and breaks, roams the forests and mountains, refreshing itself in katuns and tents. They cool their beers in streams that have not yet been drained by mini-hydroelectric power plants and pose in the pastures from which their parents fled to the City Quarter. They eat overpriced pies and porridge with which the natives take revenge on them for abandoned hearths.

And those who are helpless who spend the summer season in Podgorica have the sea at home too. Visits to Cijevna exceeded the record in 2019, and the international route to Albania is once again a large parking lot. Rijeka, where only locals and those without money for the train to Sutomore used to swim, is now a hit destination whose beaches and cafes are posted on Instagram. And the city is not to be missed when the people of Podgorica come out in the evening in crocs and floral shirts, and synthesizers from the cafes play ex-YU nostalgia as if they were at the seaside. And those who don't have money for the city can always burn the hills and fields around Podgorica and go unpunished.

So let's leave Minister Simonida to count tourists and enjoy the season while it lasts. The school year will soon be over and the procurement of firewood for the winter, when no one will be talking about beaches. Then we will be squeezing our wallets like dry rags, and the Government will be coming up with magic tricks to fill the budget holes due to the thin tourist season.