War on the lungs

(portalnovosti.com)

“The more urgent the circumstances, the less desirable the discussion about them. And since the Croatian Democratic Union has always strived to establish a society in which discussion would be abolished, we must present the current circumstances as more urgent than they are. The global situation, it must be said, is working in our favor in this regard.”

This is not what Prime Minister Andrej Plenković told us ahead of the sessions of the National Security Council and the Defense Council, scheduled for April 1, the day when humanity, including its Croatian part, traditionally betrays itself through small and large pranks.

The Prime Minister kindly declined to speak to our newspaper in circumstances where weapons are rattling everywhere, when a gigantic American aircraft carrier is bobbing in the Split harbor, when the Minister of Defense does not leave his boots, olive green pants, and tight military sweater, for example, to tour young conscripts, or to visit Croatian troops as part of NATO forces, when Njonjo Jandroković, with a grimace, is alarming the public about the seriousness of the Serbian war threat, when military experts on HTV programs are debating the performance of military equipment that will ensure national salvation, when the President of the Republic is canceling some kind of state gathering in order to prevent a belligerent bully from Serbia from setting foot on our soil... It was an opportunity to learn explosive information.

“I can explosively say for your weekly that the ruling party has decided to radically change course regarding the general national cultivation of the war epic,” Plenković did not tell us. “I solemnly announce that as of April 1, the Homeland War in public perception is no longer what it was, but what it will be! Therefore, a transition from the post-war to the pre-war state is in effect!”

From post-war to pre-war? – we were confused.

“After more than thirty years of successful exploitation of the Homeland War, we have concluded that this is becoming insufficient to maintain stable political conditions in the country,” the Prime Minister did not explain to us. “Therefore, a drastic change in the way war mythology is exploited, as well as the accompanying passions, fears, hatreds and rages, is simply necessary. Let us turn to the future!”

What does that actually mean? – we wondered.

“Perhaps it is better to answer the question of what it does not mean,” Plenković did not answer us. “This does not mean that we are leaving the Homeland War behind us, but that we are placing it in front of us. Our political, social and every other present will no longer be marked by the past, but by the future war. In the interests of the ruling present, the Homeland War is moving from the perfect to the future. Magnificent war victories and enormous human sacrifices cease to be part of the glorious yesterday and become characteristics of the glorious tomorrow. In short: war fever remains the basic pledge of national unity, but from now on, instead of in retrospect, it is nurtured in perspective.”

How will this be done? – we asked.

“Since the Serbian government has already acquired supersonic missiles, let’s use them to destroy the unpatriotic and pacifist-intolerant Croatian opposition, especially the left-wing ones,” the prime minister did not tell us. “The modern air defense system that the Croatian government intends to purchase will have similar consequences for the Serbian opposition. But I do not intend to elaborate on that here – let the Serbs deal with it…”

We pointed out to our interlocutor that such a stance largely feeds into conspiracy theories that Aleksandar Vučić, a secret HDZ agent, was inserted into the leadership of Serbia, while symmetrical rumors can be heard more and more frequently on the other side - that Andrej Plenković and his closest associates are SNS agents infiltrated into the Croatian political elite.

“You don't expect me to reveal top-secret intelligence information in this conversation, do you?” the Prime Minister did not retort. “For now, it is enough for you to know that the official declaration of a state of war is not a guarantee that war will begin, but that anyone who dares to say that they will not will be declared cursed degenerates.”

Still, we insisted, there is a strong impression that the authorities of both countries are happy for Croatia and Serbia to be arming each other?

“As for our arms race with Serbia, we are lucky that we have the ideal personnel for it,” Plenković did not tell us. “As you may have noticed, in this matter the Croatian national interest coincides with the private fantasies of Minister Anušić, who these days parades like a rooster from barracks to barracks. And the same could be said for the President of the Republic, no matter how much I hate the person in question.”

However, President Milanović sabotaged the purchase of military equipment from Israel – we noticed – and in addition, he unequivocally condemned the American aggression against Iran, unlike the government staff who continue to lick the feet of Trump and Netanyahu.

“That is true,” the Prime Minister did not tell us, “but we trust in the military wing of his personality. In that adrenaline that floods him every time he is near military personnel, to the point that he returns medals and general ranks to proven war criminals. Or that he advocates for the modernization of the navy, not the fishing fleet. Ultimately, it does not matter to us whether we purchase military equipment from Israel or anyone else. It is important that the narrative about armaments and threatened national security becomes the only relevant one, while everything else falls into the corpus of non-topics. It is important that as a society we move from the post-war to the pre-war state.”

Why is that important? – we asked.

“We need an external enemy to properly organize our internal political life,” the Prime Minister did not tell us. “Only with a high-quality external enemy does the internal political opponent become a traitor. And that is the environment that suits the HDZ. Well, no one with good intentions will open a debate about the Croatian economic collapse or something like that in the immediate danger of war. You know what the old Japanese proverb says: Those armed to the teeth keep their tongues to themselves!”

We warned the interlocutor that the proverb was not Japanese, but a fucking one.

“It doesn’t matter,” Andrej Plenković didn’t tell us. “In the pre-war state, the distinction between criticism of the government and a threat to national security is abolished. That’s what motivates us. The pre-war state is an ideal opportunity to return the political order to formal settings. The opposition, therefore, can exist as long as it is excluded from all discussions that lead to political decisions.”

And the parliament? – we were interested in it.

“What kind of parliament?!” the prime minister did not raise his voice. “The role of parliament in the conditions of the pre-war situation and the galloping oil crisis is not to interfere with the functioning of the ruling political system. Who has ever seen the opposition in the barracks?”

So, do you see Croatia as a barracks? – we asked.

“Please understand this as a metaphor,” Plenković did not warn us. “If democracy, freedom of speech, an independent press, and the like need to be suspended for the sake of the necessary defense of the Homeland, the suspension should be carried out long before the defense of the Homeland begins. Not to mention that in addition to this tactical aspect, there is also a metaphysical aspect to the story.”

What metaphysical aspect? – we were interested.

"Every normal Croat will feel more comfortable in the bosom of the Homeland if, thanks to the HDZ, it has war on its lungs," the Prime Minister did not tell us.

Then he apologized, rushing to an important meeting, thanking us for making up his answers, because if he had spoken on his own, he would certainly have lied. “You get the point – by moving the Homeland War from the past to the future, the HDZ is doing its best to ensure the healthy democratic development of Croatia: alarm sirens, general danger, all as one, death to traitors, collective paranoia, loading military warehouses, foaming Njonjo, regular portions of TV stress, Yugo-communist scum, armed troops along the borders, long barrels aimed at Serbia and Bosnia…”

Why Bosnia? – we wondered. – The military aviation there not only does not have supersonic missiles, but it also does not have an aviation unit.

“That is true,” Andrej Plenković did not tell us. “But do not forget that our intelligence services have discovered that there are facilities in that country for the production of enriched Qurans.”