What you don't know about marriage can cause problems.
For example, if you don't say what you want, your husband is walking in the dark - and probably won't fulfill your wishes. The way you talk about problems can make the situation worse. The bedroom is also significant.
Here you can find five expert tips on how to avoid or correct mistakes that can cost you your marriage or shake its foundations. Whether it's you or your husband who makes the mistakes, taking positive action can make a big difference.
1. Too much tuning
Some women are too willing to give up what they want, says Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist in Denver and author of a marriage skills course.
Heitler calls this phenomenon, in which a woman is an addition to her husband, rather than an equal partner, "an addition-phenomenon"
Some women would rather be in the "everything revolves around him" mode, rather than tend to be in the characteristic male mode, which is that everything revolves around them, says Heitler.
"They're usually afraid that it might cause an argument or embarrassment, or they think, on a subconscious level, that they have to suppress their desires in order to save their relationship," she says. The feeling of helplessness leads to anger that eventually boils over, she adds.
What is the solution for these women? Express your concerns rationally, whether it's about housework, parenting responsibilities, or perhaps a lack of time for yourself or spending time with your spouse.
For example, he may like to play golf on the weekends, and she may want him to spend time with his family.
"If she speaks up, it is possible that she will find a better arrangement," says Heitler. "Maybe they'll agree to switch to a softball league in the summer and make it a family event."
2. Unclear expectations
The best-functioning couples in their marriages set expectations early on about division of labor, parenting, and money, says family and marriage therapist Eli Karam, PhD, and assistant professor of couples therapy at the University of Louisville.
However, many couples do not have these kinds of discussions and operate on auto-pilot.
"Many couples operate in a way that, because of the way they grew up, they assume that if something works for them, it works for their partner," Karam says.
Resentment can easily build if expectations differ or are shattered by harsh reality. For example, he says, some women “think that having a baby will change their husband and bring him closer. What we know about marriage is that when the first child comes along, marital satisfaction declines greatly. If they had known this before marriage... they would have been able to anticipate the usual obstacles and not panic when obstacles occur."
3. Underestimating the impact of tone of voice
Whether it's a man or a woman, the tone of voice can be a problem if it's even tinged with negativity.
If you have any concerns, "verbalize them respectfully" instead of in a frustrated, irritated voice, encourages Heitler.
By all means talk about what's bothering you, but do it in a solution-oriented way, not in a way that will only push you further away from the solution.
4. Incompatible communication styles
If you feel that your husband does not understand you, it may be time to examine your communication style.
Some women repeat their complaints or concerns over and over so that their husband does not understand them. Some men may call it nagging, but maybe it's just different communication styles.
Karam calls this a "demand-withdrawal" dynamic: One person wants to talk, but the other person hasn't found a way to respond or seems to shut down, which further leads to the person doing the talking starting to apply more pressure. "This is an evil template," says Karam.
If this happens often in your relationship, remember to let your spouse absorb what you're saying and give them "a chance to test what they've heard," Karam says.
It can be useful if we analyze in detail what are innate personality traits and what can be changed.
Citing the work of marriage and couple analyst John Gotham, Karam says that nearly 70% of marital problems are "perpetual," meaning they are ingrained problems that have been going on for a long period of time.
The challenge is to recognize what can be changed. It helps if you're "moving towards acceptance," says Karam. "You cannot change a cautious person into a risk-taker, nor can you change an introverted person into an extroverted person."
5. Absence of partner nurturing
Some women become so focused on children, work and home that they forget about the small gestures that have a big impact on the stability of the family in the long run.
"In a healthy relationship, there are a lot of small gestures of positivity, and they show up very often," says Heitler. “These gestures can be smiles, eye contact, hugs or touches, verbal comments like 'I agree' or 'good conclusion' or even that little word 'yes'. Listening, agreement, confirmation, affection - all this sends positive energy that envelops both partners with sunshine."
These gestures remind both partners that they care about each other, and friendship is the heart of any successful marriage, says Karam.
Married couples often "operate on outdated self-knowledge," he says, which distances them from truly enjoying their partners.
"It's a myth that a good marriage is self-sustaining," he says. "It's about teaching yourself and teaching your partner. At 34, you're not who you were at 24."
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