Trust is not something that occurs by itself, it is built over time through honest conversations, mutual support and understanding, care for the other.
When we talk about children who often change foster families, we must be aware that we are dealing with a very sensitive part of the population.
Just imagine how we would feel if we lost our home, parents, siblings, friends, school, pet, toys and even our bed...Now imagine losing it several times in our life...
Many children who are placed in foster families have such experiences. These losses that children experience are called traumatic events.
They may have been told by an adult they trust that this is the “last move” or that “they will now go back to their home and stay there,” but such promises are often unfulfilled for many different reasons.
These are children whose lives have been turned upside down, children who have experienced the trauma of abuse or neglect, followed by the trauma of moving from their home.
Establishing relationships is a problem
There are many reasons why foster children have difficulty establishing positive relationships with others. Some of the reasons are:
• Traumatic experiences - represent a significant factor that affects children's sense of trust in people, relationships, situations and in themselves. We call a traumatic event any difficult and threatening event that most often comes suddenly and unexpectedly and has a very disturbing and stressful effect on people. • Loss and unfinished mourning - children who were separated from their parents experienced significant losses and separations from their homes, family, school, friends, relatives, everything that was familiar to them and where they felt safe. Children in foster care often experience multiple moves and simply do not have time to grieve and process the loss of one family before moving to a new one. But even when they have time, children very often do not know and/or do not have the opportunity to recognize and name the mentioned feelings. • Loss of control - some children may feel that they are losing control over events in their lives. A few ignorant adults decide where they will live, when they will move, what school they will go to, who they will live with, without anyone even asking them what they want. The above often leads to a lack of trust in adults. • Lack of structure - one of the reasons for their mistrust is the inconsistency in developing healthy relationships with adults and the uncertainty of what a healthy, positive and supportive relationship should look like. • Fear is the biggest factor that affects their mistrust - fear of the new and unknown. What if I start to believe them? What if not? What will happen? Will I have to go somewhere else? What if I get rejected? • Divided loyalties and feeling that they have to choose between foster and biological family. In building relationships with foster parents, children may feel disloyal or let down by their biological parents. They may feel that their biological parents may not want them as foster parents and vice versa. The longing to live with biological parents is very strong - not seeing them is like missing a part of them. Foster children often want to go to their home and be with their parents and relatives.
As they grow closer to their foster parents, they may feel like they will never go home.
• Lack of self-confidence - some children have low self-esteem and may feel as if they do not deserve love, respect and a caring family. They may feel different from their peers because they are placed in foster families.
Sometimes they internalize a negative belief about themselves that they are bad and that they have bad parents.
How can foster parents help a child build positive relationships and develop trust in people?
• Accepting children as they are, accepting their biological family. Let them know that you value them as a person in your family and that you see them as part of your family. • Stability and consistency - a safe and stable environment will show children what to expect. • Be a positive role model - show them by your own example what a healthy trusting relationship should look like • Be accessible - by including children in conversations about their emotions and expectations, you can help them feel comfortable and able to talk to you about their feelings without fear from judgment and rejection. By giving them your time and attention, show them that you are there for them • Personal space - by giving children free space and not insisting on establishing a relationship, you show them that you are ready to let your relationship develop in the way that child wants. In this way, the child can get the feeling that he has control over his life and start to believe in himself. • Education - invest in your knowledge and skills to deal with possible difficulties in children's behavior, share your experiences with other foster parents, experts • Patience - children will very likely test your patience and will probably need to prevent relocation. It's a strong defense mechanism, but your patience can help break down that barrier.
Bonus video:
