Many people, we can say the majority, have the experience of repeating similar bad situations and problems. Sometimes it's about harmless and transient trivialities, and sometimes about life-important and difficult things, circumstances in which we blame a little bit ourselves and a little bit the environment for the situation in which we found ourselves in or in which we keep going round and round. Women who keep choosing the same, unsatisfying partners, people who burn out at work and don't see a way to balance their private and business life, mothers who are too indulgent towards their children and are deeply aware of it but can't help it... these are just some examples of how we can go round and round, always with the same behavior that is not in our interest nor in the interests of the people around us.
Life schemes
In transactional analysis, there is a concept that explains in detail why we live the way we do, called the life scenario. It is a specific, unconscious life plan of a person. "Writing" the script begins after the baby is born. By the seventh year of the child's life, the main parts of the story have been written. Like any other story, a screenplay has a beginning, middle and end.
A life scenario is a story that determines how and in what way a child will live, what type of person he will marry, what type of work he will do, how he will develop relationships in his environment; will he passively wait for things to happen without him, will he try hard around people and see everything as a failure, etc.
Based on early experience, the child makes certain decisions and conclusions that at that moment seem to be the best strategy for survival. In addition, the child's script decisions are influenced by his, most often, very intense feelings. Parents and other important figures in a child's life cannot determine the child's scripted decisions, but they have a great influence on them through verbal and non-verbal messages. Parents' messages usually contain information about how the child should feel, what he should do and what the child is like as a person. These messages form the basis of the child's conclusions about himself, others and life.
Acknowledging family messages
Let's try to give a simple (and simplified) example: If little Mark was told by his parents that he was lazy throughout his childhood, he slowly begins to perceive himself as a lazy person and begins to really behave like that. Thus, he develops a limiting belief at the level of identity and himself, by observing examples in which he is "lazy", he confirms the parental messages. Later in life he will have a hard time getting started, because his deep belief is that he is lazy - so what's the point of trying at all? In contrast, little Ivan was told with approval by his parents that he was persistent. He begins to believe this and it formats his behavior - and when something does not go his way, because of his own belief and self-image, he will pull more than others and often succeed where others fail, which will further strengthen his belief that he is particularly persistent . Thanks to this belief, he will grow into a person who achieves his goals thanks to his persistence
IllustrationAnd the behavior of the parents, which is not directed directly at the children, greatly influences the development of the child's scenario. For example, if a mother stays in a relationship with a father who is aggressive and psychologically (if not physically) abusive, she is telling her child on an unconscious level and non-verbally that it is okay to be a victim and stay in an unsatisfactory situation.
The decisions we make in childhood often have a very strong influence on the development of events in our lives. Since these are unconscious patterns, we are deeply convinced that it must have been so simple, that it is stronger than us not recognizing the causes of such events.
When the script needs to be changed
What is important to understand is that the script protected us and provided us with security during the entire phase of growing up, but it often happens that it starts to disturb us in our mature years, because circumstances have changed, our parents and others people who were an important part of our life in childhood slowly fall into the background, and some other people and goals come first with which we should harmonize our behavior... but we are unconsciously limited in our behavior by what we "decided" in childhood. A good example of such a change in circumstances is the birth of a child. Before birth, the future mother and father may have functioned perfectly, aligned in their scripts "written" in childhood (because of this alignment they chose each other). They both felt good and safe.
With the birth of a child, the circumstances changed and new parts, until then unexpressed, began to be fulfilled. Maybe the mother has a "decision" in her scenario not to let the child's upbringing out of her hands at any cost, and maybe the father has the same "decision", but they are also "written down" with completely different methods of upbringing - he believes that the child should to lead with a firm hand, and she that the most important thing is to shower him with tenderness and love. Here is the reason for the disruption of harmony and peace in the house, which neither of the two people who lived in happiness and love until yesterday is aware of.
How does it change?
In a concrete example, a person who wanted things to be done perfectly will still have those same values, but they will not always apply them at every moment and in every situation. If she comes home tired from work, she will allow herself to rest without the guilt of having a pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Change is always possible and that's where you need to start if you really want it.
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