Sometimes we are so unaware of our self-deprecating patterns that we only notice them when we share them with someone.
The process in which we define ourselves using one situation, one choice, or one outcome, psychologists call catastrophizing. It happens that we consider ourselves a bad friend when we quarrel with someone close to us, or that we will surely die alone when a painful breakup occurs.
Such a mindset can be detrimental to our happiness, confidence and success; be sure of that, because research confirms it. What makes catastrophizing even more dangerous is that it comes disguised as a valid self-image. Otherwise, why should we belittle ourselves so much? Objectively speaking, if we realize how bad we were this time, we'll do better next time, right? No.
It is one thing when we objectively and reasonably assess our own limits. But catastrophizing is neither objective nor reasonable, so if we want to be successful and truly self-aware, we must work to overcome catastrophizing. Believe it or not, it is actually possible.
Self-acceptance orientation
When we catastrophize, it usually means that we realize or think that we could have done something better or differently. For this reason, catastrophizing is neither realistic nor helpful as we blindly convince ourselves that everything is fine ("It's totally okay that I screamed at my husband this morning! I'm the emperor!"). It is much more reasonable and productive to look at the situation realistically, and yet we choose to be gentle with ourselves.
Self-acceptance doesn't just exist as something that sounds great in theory; it really makes things a lot easier for us.
In one study, Kristin Nef and colleagues set up a mock interview for college students who were allegedly applying for a job they strongly wanted. When the interviewer asked the students what their weakest point was, those students with high levels of self-acceptance were significantly less nervous and anxious afterward.
Had it been a real job interview, it is highly likely that these same students would have performed better. Research has shown that there is one simple way we can improve self-acceptance, and that is to pay attention to our inner monologue. So, in the future, when you catch yourself catastrophizing, pay attention to why you're criticizing yourself ("I managed to forget to set the alarm! What's wrong with me?! Why can't I do even the simplest things right?") or accepting yourself ( "I made a mistake - but I'm human, people make mistakes, and things like this just happen"). And there is one question that can be helpful if you ask yourself: "Would I say what I just said to myself to someone I love and respect?"
Find a more constructive point of view
Another powerful weapon we use to combat catastrophizing is perspective. In one study, more than 100 couples in Chicago were surveyed. Over the course of a year, every four months, their feelings regarding marital satisfaction, intimacy, trust, passion and love for their partner were examined. During the research, the respondents had the task of writing about conflicts in their marriage. The control group wrote about conflicts for 21 minutes, while the experimental group wrote about how a so-called third, neutral person, who wants good for everyone, would observe the conflict.
By changing their perspective on marital conflicts, the participants got out of the vicious circle of overthinking and successfully managed to overcome them.
Such a simple, yet such a powerful point of view
When we are disappointed in ourselves because of a failure or limitation, observing our own objective progress over weeks, months or years helps us not lose hope, conserve energy, and appreciate our achievements.
On a higher level, this is a reminder that being aware of yourself is just as important as accepting yourself. If we dedicate ourselves to seeing ourselves clearly, and ignore what we can learn from it, the only thing we will achieve is more successful self-deprecation. Instead, let's remember that we're all only human, that we're not perfect, and that it's okay to make mistakes. That way, the path we're on won't seem wrong, and at the same time it will really become much easier, because we'll be our own most faithful ally.
(Psychology today)
Bonus video:
