The agony of mothers who are so exhausted they have forgotten what sleep even looks like

There is fatigue, and then there is mother fatigue. You may often feel like you won't survive another day in such an exhausting state. This type of exhaustion can, in extreme cases, lead to a kind of delirium.

For example, you may have difficulty remembering your own name. As I continue to suffer from this condition, I have come to realize that it carries with it a number of challenges. Each one is difficult in its own way and is faced by all those who have decided to have children.

See below what cruel suffering mothers endure:

"I toss and turn all night and I don't sleep"

This is the agony that comes when you're simply too tired to fall asleep. You spend the night and early morning hours in your head going over your to-do list for tomorrow. You try relaxing music. You try a glass of wine. You even count sheep. Nothing helps.

You regret calling your friend a fool when she suggested you keep a list on your nightstand, just "let it go" and close your eyes. Now you're jealous of that same friend. She's probably asleep, while you're lying there suffering.

Psychologist Nick Vignal explained that one of the biggest mistakes exhausted people make is worrying in bed, and that it's the anxiety of not sleeping that often prevents sleep from actually coming. A mental to-do list that keeps you going at midnight is a symptom of a brain that hasn't been allowed to shut down.

"Should I just lie here until my bladder explodes?"

You seriously need to go to the bathroom, but going there brings a whole host of problems. The child who is currently lying right on your head will run after you down the hall. Along the way, he will ask for a glass of water, a ham sandwich, and an ice cream cone.

He may or may not decide to go to the bathroom on his own - just for fun, of course. Because of the numerous complications that can arise if you get up, you decide to stay in bed. You still don't sleep.

A 2024 study on parental burnout found that chronic stress from childcare, especially among mothers juggling multiple children and daily responsibilities, is strongly linked to anxiety and a decline in personal functioning over time. It’s no exaggeration to say that going to the bathroom at 2 a.m. feels like a nightmare; this is what deep exhaustion looks like in real life.

"How am I ever going to get through the day?"

This starts as soon as the alarm goes off. You lie there and get mad at yourself for not taking advantage of that thing called sleep again. Your heart starts pounding. Of course, exhaustion is at its worst on days when you have a lot of responsibilities. You have an important meeting in an hour. You can't wake up the kids. You can't remember what time one kid has karate and the other has soccer.

You're begging for coffee to save you, but you're not sure it'll work this time. You're not sure you'll make it through the day without collapsing to the floor.

Sleep deprivation impairs memory, attention, alertness, and decision-making, meaning that not being able to remember which kid has karate is not a personal failure, but a predictable neurological consequence of not getting enough sleep. A 2023 study explained that when the brain is sleep-deprived, it literally can't access information the way it normally does.

"Bad times"

At some point, you might decide to turn on the TV to see what's going on in the world. In times like these, the weather is usually in one of two extremes: unbearably hot or unbearably cold. You're so out of your mind that you curse the weatherman for not giving everyone the day off.

In your imagination, the president would declare "go back to bed and don't sulk." He would understand. When you're forced to face reality, you wonder if you'll make it to the schoolyard without passing out from dehydration. If it's freezing, you imagine yourself falling into a snowdrift and not being found for days.

Dr. Majid Fotuhi, a memory and brain health expert at Johns Hopkins University, explained that chronic sleep deprivation leads to inflammation and shrinkage of the hippocampus. So the surreal feeling that the cold weather forecast has personally offended you actually means that your brain, exhausted from sleep deprivation, has a hard time processing anything that requires effort.

"I should have listened to my mother"

There you go, she warned you. But you decided to ignore all her pleas to get some sleep, because playing with Barbie and her dream house was much more important. Then she continued to yell at you during your college days while you stayed up all night watching marathons of the series. Why didn't you listen to her? How could you not understand how precious sleep is?

Sleep researchers consistently point out that sleep deprivation builds up over time as a kind of cognitive debt, and that the deficit created by years of chronic partial sleep deprivation cannot be easily made up. It turns out that Mom's story about the afternoon nap was completely neurologically sound.

"Afternoon Crash"

You thought there was no way you could make it through the morning. You did. But morning sickness is nothing compared to the middle of the day. It's that late morning or early afternoon period when you just have to collapse. You crave bed just to lie down. You envy all the babies who take their afternoon naps. You cry a little... or a lot.

Clinical psychologist Erika Wolerman explains that sleep disturbances are one of the biggest signs that someone has crossed their own boundaries, and that this cycle is difficult to break because stress and exhaustion continue to feed each other. The afternoon crash is a very clear message from your body that rest is no longer an option.

"Should I enjoy some time to myself or just crash?"

You've finally made it. The kids are fed, bathed, and starting to drift off to sleep. At that moment, you realize you have an important decision to make. Before motherhood, there was one thing you enjoyed: time to yourself. Sometimes you'd catch up on missed episodes of your favorite shows. Sometimes you'd read a book. Sometimes you might even have a glass of wine, or ten.

You long for the time when you could enjoy that precious evening ritual. While you're thinking about it, one child suddenly asks for milk, while the other has to go to the bathroom for the tenth time. There's no respite for the tired.

A 2023 study explained that taking time for yourself during motherhood, even in small amounts, is considered a proactive strategy for preventing postpartum depression and preserving mental health in the long term. The cruel irony is that, just when you finally get some space to do so, the kids reappear as if they've been waiting for that very second.

The author is a contributor to the YourTango portal, writing about common everyday challenges in raising a family, personality, and relationships.