Revenge sex has a different meaning for each of us - what is revenge and what is the motive for it. Some people go out looking for sex to get revenge on the person who broke up with them. Others do it in an attempt to get over someone…
For some, it's angry sex
Someone you love broke your heart or treated you badly and it hurts?! Like angry sex, revenge sex is a common reaction to despise someone. In a 2014 study of 170 graduate students who had experienced a breakup in the past eight months, 25 percent admitted to having revenge sex. This is what those who were left or angry did.
For others, it's a kind of breakup
Just like breakup sex that marks the end - one partner wants to "show the other everything they have to lose" and what they might be missing. The difference is that instead of having sex with your ex, you're having sex with someone else.
Springboard
You know the old saying: The best way to get over someone is to find someone. Well, for some, revenge sex is actually a springboard and a way to get over everything related to the former relationship as soon as possible.
Why do people do this?
Emotions. Blame the emotions. Even the least vengeful person can be "forced" to take revenge after a difficult breakup or betrayal. Here are some possible reasons why people do this.
To avoid sadness
Sexual activity with a new, "temporary" person can help to float out of grief, even when the person is aware that it is only a temporary solution. Sex causes the release of oxytocin or the “love hormone”. It can give impetus to new loves, opening up to others or awakening libido, which can be a pleasant break for you from crying to "your songs".
To express anger
The dividing line between revenge sex and rage is blurred. According to the American Psychology Association, anger is usually associated with hostile thoughts and maladaptive behaviors that develop in response to the unwanted actions of someone else—usually someone we love or like. Feeling angry is usually a sign that a person feels hurt, sad, disappointed, unloved or unwanted.
Sex can be a way to overcome frustration after a breakup. Why? Because slapping or slashing car tires is a punishable offence.
Increases self-esteem
Emotional rejection, undefined emotions and breakups take a toll on your self-esteem and self-concept. It's not unusual for us to want to boost our ego after a breakup. Hooking up with someone can make you feel attractive and wanted, boosting your self-esteem.
A sense of control
When the other person decides to end the relationship, you can feel powerless. Some people choose revenge sex to keep the situation under control.
To move on
Revenge sex can be a way to help you move on after feeling trapped or having trouble ending a relationship. Sex with someone else can be seen as a new beginning.
What benefits does it offer?
The health benefits of sex are pretty impressive, and post-breakup sex has its potential benefits:
- It can convince you that others find you attractive.
- This can help you deal with the negative feelings that follow a breakup.
- Sex-induced production of dopamine and serotonin can reduce feelings of anxiety, stress and depression.
- The surge of oxytocin and endorphins during orgasm can help you sleep better.
- Sexual activity can reduce certain types of headaches, which are often caused by stress.
- Sex is associated with an improvement in general well-being.
Are there any drawbacks to consider?
Revenge sex isn't for everyone. While some people are able to walk in and out of that relationship unscathed, for others the consequences can be severe, just like the breakup that got them on this adventure in the first place.
Why not
- Revenge sex often happens with a well-known, close friend, which can later ruin the friendship
- It can bring back old emotions and hurts if sex happens with a former partner.
- There is a feeling of guilt, shame and regret
- If it's done just to hurt your partner, it can backfire like an emotional boomerang. Maybe your partner doesn't really care or is relieved to be off the list.
- Sexually transmitted diseases are a risk. Although there is some risk of sexually transmitted infections with most types of sexual activity, that risk can be greater when acting impulsively or when judgment is clouded by intense emotions.
Generally yes and no
Da
Mandatory protection
Safety first.
Enjoying the game
Bragging about a new feat or condemning your partner can only backfire because it only shows that you are standing still and have not moved on. The one who does this can look desperate in the eyes of others and later in his own - which is the opposite of what he probably wants.
A safe end
The thoughts should be calm and the head cool before entering into a new relationship. Jumping in too quickly could kill any chance of getting things resolved. You need to be sure that the previous relationship is really over, that the new situation is not just a struggle or a rough patch.
Be honest with yourself.
There are people who can have sex without emotions and there are those who tend to bond after urgent moments. If a one night stand was never an option, it certainly isn't after a breakup either - it can only end in heartbreak.
Ne
No talk about exes
If you enter into a new relationship with someone, in order to get over the previous partner and this is done consciously, the ex is not mentioned. Besides, talking about exes when you're trying to seduce someone isn't very sexy.
No announcements
Posting on social media is lame, it's immature, and it could make things difficult for you and them.
Not with friends or exes
Many people, when they are hurt, have revenge sex with friends or ex-lovers, but that doesn't mean it's the right way. It can make things worse, confuse, open old wounds and become a disaster for social life.
Unrealistic expectations
Breakups are hard, and the expectation that revenge sex and a new person will fix and overcome all the pain is unrealistic and unhealthy. Talking with friends is excellent therapy, and you should not hesitate to seek professional help.
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