Sex means different things to different people
Sex can be the ultimate expression of romantic love and intimacy. Or an emotional roller coaster. Or a tension reliever. Or is it just an extension of the species. Or it's just the right time. It can be all of these things and more. Sex means different things to different people. And whatever it means, it's not necessarily constant. And you know what? Everything is perfectly normal. Despite stereotypes, gender has nothing to do with the emotional response to sex. Women are at the mercy of emotions; men are firmly in control of what few emotions they have - that's how it used to be thought. These beliefs have deep roots, but people are much more complex than that. Studies have shown that men and women express emotions with the same intensity, and that men have the same or greater physiological response to emotional stressors. Some differences may be due to the influence of the culture in which we live. Perhaps we were simply acting according to what we were told was acceptable. However, today people are less and less inclined to and become more comfortable with simple gender categorizations. Your emotional response to sex is unique and yours alone regardless of gender.
Some people need emotional attraction to experience physical attraction
Before you decide to have sex, you need to feel emotions? If so, you are not alone. You need to connect on a spiritual level, to share some basic attitudes about life, maybe that someone made you laugh when you were crying... Or you just don't know what it is - something that can't be described in words, but you know when it happens - if that's it...
You seek intimacy because once you make an emotional connection, you can begin to feel physical excitement. Outside that zone, it's no longer simple and it's not just sex. You are making love. Others believe that there is actually an initial physical attraction that leads to an emotional one. Some people stick to the "physical" like a magnet. A chemical reaction occurs, hunger, a purely physical desire for sexual contact with another person. It is lust. When the chemistry between people is good, a lot more can happen from the pure physical.
Research has shown that there are two areas of the brain that track the progression from sexual desire to love. One is the insula. It is located in the cerebral cortex. The second is the striatum. It is located in the forebrain. Interestingly, the striatum is also associated with addictions. Love and sexual desire activate different parts of the striatum. Sex and food are among the pleasurable things that activate lust. Reward and value process - activates the love part. As sexual desire is rewarded, it becomes a bit of a habit, which can lead you on the path of love. As feelings of lust begin to turn into love, another area of the striatum takes over.
Emotional and physical attraction work completely separately
Humans are complex creatures with many layers. For some of us, there are clear lines between emotional and physical attraction. Someone can be emotionally attracted without having the slightest sexual drive. Or you feel an incredible physical attraction to someone you are not attached to. Even in long-term relationships, people can switch between making love and having sex - or turning off sexual activity - and that's okay. Regardless of your individual view, gender and emotions affect the same areas of the brain. A 2018 study points to integral connections between sexual, emotional, and reproductive processes in the brain that are linked to the endocrine system, and specifically to a hormone called kisspeptin. Sexual arousal involves cognitive, physiological and neurological processes, which include the influence of emotions. Moreover, most people experience similar emotions during sexual activity and the release of hormones involved in sex. It means that certain feelings are quite common and similar before, during or immediately after sex. No one feels every emotion every time, of course. However, positive emotions are:
- euphoria
- total release
- relaxation and calmness
- satisfaction
Depending on the circumstances, you may have some less positive emotions, such as:
- vulnerability
- shame
- guilt
- feeling physically or emotionally overwhelmed
If you have postcoital dysphoria, you may feel sad, anxious, or tearful even after sex. We don't always recognize it when it happens to us, but it is very real. Sexual arousal can deactivate the parts of the brain that help you think critically and behave like a rational human being. Good judgment is lost in sexual desire. When you come back to reality, you may wonder, with regret or embarrassment, what you were thinking. So you know - you didn't mean it at all!
Oxytocin addiction
Oxytocin is a hormone produced in the hypothalamus when you have sex. That rush of oxytocin is involved in the physical part of sex. It can also enhance emotions such as love, affection and euphoria. It deserves its reputation as the love hormone. Oxytocin will always try to "bring you back for more". Researchers are still sorting out the various variables in the lust, attraction and attachment equation. The biology of lust, attraction and attachment is not at all simple. Hormones certainly play a role. Generally speaking, lust is driven by testosterone and estrogen, regardless of gender. Lust is driven by the desire for sex.
Attraction is fueled by dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin
Attraction may or may not involve lust, but the main factor is the reward center of the brain. That's why you feel dizzy or in the early stages of a relationship, you feel like you're floating. Bonding is stimulated by oxytocin and vasopressin. It is the basis for bonding and long-term relationships. There is some hormone overlap, hormone levels change, and more... Let's face it: sex and love are complicated. Because of this, scientists are investigating the secrets of our sexual desires and emotions and how they affect each other. However, it is quite possible that we will never solve the equation, but will leave a lot to the imagination.
Separation of sex and emotions
There are a number of reasons why you might want to separate sex and emotions. It's a good idea to explore your motivation. Either way, there is no right or wrong here. You are not set on one way of living for the rest of your life. If you want a short relationship or “friends with benefits”, here are some suggestions:
- First of all, be honest with the other person. That's only fair.
- Talk about what you want and don't want to give physically and emotionally, along with what you expect in return.
- Discuss safe sex practices.
- Work together to establish rules to avoid over-connection or dependence.
- Talk about what you will do if one of you wants something more.
Keep in mind that regardless of your plan, feelings may arise. Emotions are very unpredictable.
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