In her popular show "Couples Therapy", Orna Guralnik tries to help couples find solutions through conflicts
Sometimes it means finding common ground, while in other cases it means ending the relationship. She points out that partners should avoid one way of talking that leads nowhere.
Orna Guralnik, who is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst from New York, and the new Chief Clinical Officer of the relationship therapy platform OurRitual, points out that one of the most important aspects of her job is helping people to communicate and listen better. These are two actions that should go hand in hand, but can often interfere with each other.
There is one specific type of conversation that, according to Guralnik, people spend so much time on, but which is never productive.
"When people start a conversation with the idea that they need to convince their partner that what they're saying isn't true, it's going to be a bad conversation that won't get them anywhere."
The difference between a productive conversation and a dead end
It's understandable that you want your partner to experience things the same way you do. However, often when we try to prove that our view is correct, we don't listen to the other side.
"I think conversations go well when you try to understand what the most important thing your partner is trying to convey to you, rather than trying to convince them they're wrong," she says. "I think that's the key thing that makes the difference between a productive conversation and one that's a dead end."
The clinical psychologist points out that if we focus on challenging our partner, this can lead to the person saying thoughtless, painful and ultimately unproductive words.
"It's venting and revenge, not conversation, and it's usually very noisy and confusing. People are thrown out of tact by their own feelings and impulses."
Trying to understand how your partner came to a certain conclusion will help you get out of the conflict, instead of digging into it even more.
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