Reflecting on a current or former relationship, you may be able to pinpoint a few things you should never say or do in relationships with your partner—like name-calling, being overly critical, or giving ultimatums. However, many of the bad habits that can destroy a relationship over time are far less obvious or intentional.
According to couples therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, some of these invisible relationship problems can come from good intentions, which is all the more reason why they're so hard to recognize. So, if you feel like you're doing everything right in your relationship, but you still feel tension between you and your partner, one of these habits might be to blame.
You do most of the responsibilities together
A markedly uneven division of tasks between you and your partner, whether it's housework, child care, travel planning, or even small things like answering calls together, will surely degrade the quality of your partnership over time, he writes. Gloria.
"What I often see is that at the beginning of a relationship or after two people start living together, one person works too much, so she's always the one who changes the toilet paper, washes the dishes, collects the socks, and that's no big deal because she loves her partner and that's easy to do. But problems can happen very easily. Life starts to get 'tough' you have to deal with a career, or you have children, or you're moving... And then the person who takes care of everything can easily she becomes bitter,” says Earnshaw.
Of course, it's not easy to achieve a balanced division of those tasks before you get to the firing point. While you may sometimes want to do something for your partner, that's certainly a good thing, but when the pattern in a relationship becomes that you take care of most or all of the shared responsibilities, over time it becomes exhausting and unsustainable, says Earnshaw. And eventually you start to wonder why you're the only person doing it, she says. Speak up now and have an honest conversation with your partner to find a fairer solution to chores and errands.
Too many hobbies, activities and projects
It's great to be an interesting person who likes different things, and it's great to be in a relationship with such a person. But when you combine your lives, the total number of all activities, hobbies and projects can be overwhelming. If you add up your projects, hobbies, the person you are in a relationship with, and the activities you do together and come up with a number that is not within reasonable limits - you can reduce the quality of your relationship.
Earnshaw often sees this among couples who have careers.
"One is a doctor and the other is a financial advisor or one is a teacher and the other is a journalist, and they're extremely busy, but they also have a million interests. When I ask them what their daily life is like, they'll say, 'We get up at 5:00 in the morning, we take the train into the city, we go to work, we come home, and then I have to go to yoga class and my partner goes for a run, after that we go to the store because we're renovating the bathroom right now, and then we unpack, and then we try to watch together TV, but I have 80 e-mails, so we're on our computers," she said.
He adds that they then wonder why they have lost their sense of intimacy or why they constantly fight.
That's why it's important, he says, to discuss how much time any new activity will take up and whether it will take up time that's just for the two of you. The problem is when we say "yes" to everything without really thinking about how it will affect the big picture. In her experience, this often happens to couples where both are trying to be genuinely supportive of each other's new interests, which is a good thing. But the fact is that we all have 24 hours in a day and we need to be more economical with our time.
"Discuss how much time the new thing will realistically take and whether it will take time away from something that is important to both of you," she says.
A list of all the things you each do on a daily basis (including the time you spend together that people tend to leave out) can also help you figure out how to best prioritize.
You let your stress build up
If you've ever had a fight only to end up saying, "It's not about you, I'm just stressed about XY," you know how individual stress can infiltrate relationship dynamics. But trying to keep stress to yourself instead of finding time to share it with your partner can actually make it worse.
"It usually manifests itself in one of two ways. There is a person whose internal stress causes them to act grumpy or irritable, and there is a person who just shuts down and isolates themselves. Both habits are bad and hard to get rid of because they are natural coping strategies. But it will also create unnecessary tension and distance over time," says Earnshaw.
Antidote? Use your partnership to work through stress together instead of letting it destroy you. This requires both people to commit to a short daily conversation about the stress each of them may be feeling.
"Ask your partner simple questions, like 'What bothers you most about it?' and let it 'vent' without trying to offer solutions or advice," points out Earnshaw.
Doing this for each other every day (or as needed) can prevent you from acting irritable or walking away whenever you're under pressure.
You have no limits on the use of technology
Before you roll your eyes at the advice to "step away from your cell phone," know that it doesn't mean you should stop using it entirely. The key is just to ensure that technology doesn't come between you at times that would otherwise be great for bonding.
"Most people don't realize how big a role technology plays in their day. They wake up in the morning and sit with their partner over breakfast, but they read social media posts and then reply to messages and listen to a podcast while they're getting ready," says Earnshaw. He adds that because of remote work, the line between work and home is blurrier than ever for many people, so many people are still dealing with emails and work obligations even during the evening.
After the day is done, it's easy to just continue being with technology, regardless of the workplace.
"You might be sitting on the couch together, the TV's on, but you're still each on your phone and in your own mind," says Earnshaw. He adds that he doesn't think technology is always a bad thing for a relationship, though.
"Two people can lie in bed and watch funny videos together, it can encourage bonding," she explains.
Only when you get into the habit of everyone being on their phone or laptop all evening, or at a time when you could be doing something together, and then things can go downhill. To avoid this, Earnshaw suggests having a conversation where you set limits on the use of technology together and agree on when you will use it. For example, if you both spend Sunday mornings in bed quietly on the phone, you might suggest doing a crossword in bed together or reading funny tweets out loud as if you were reading each other a newspaper.
In other words, use technology to connect.
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