Fears that keep women in abusive relationships

First, what characterizes a toxic relationship with no future, one that will only hurt you?

He constantly criticizes you. You're too attached, you suffocate him too much, you're too demanding, too short, too tall, too skinny, too "you."

He is inconsistent in showing affection. You think that maybe other women are circling him and are even crossing the boundaries of your relationship.

He doesn't want to commit. Every time you want him to commit to anything - even when you'll see each other next, let alone when he might deign to marry you - he suddenly goes silent, disappears for a few days, grows a beard, finds a thousand ways to change the subject...

How do you end up in a toxic relationship? If you've been in one for a while, even though you know you need to leave, these are the fears that may be keeping you trapped - and their antidotes.

Fear of unknown evil

When you become physically and emotionally attached to a toxic man who doesn't want commitment, that's usually when his disrespect begins, and your self-esteem and confidence take a huge hit. The longer you stay, the harder it is to remember who you were before the relationship.

"Traumatic relationships grow stronger over time if the cycle of abuse is not broken. Negative patterns that are not recognized or stopped become stronger and more entrenched over time, and once dysfunctional exchanges become entrenched, it can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to resolve toxic relationships," explained psychologist Tara Bates-Dewford.

The only way to stop it is to get out of the relationship as quickly as possible. But once you get hooked, like with any obsession, you need more and more of that toxic man just to feel somewhat stable. And the more you "inject" him, the more dependent you become, which means that the toxic man owns and controls you.

Toxic men know how to keep you hooked: they demean you to the point where you truly believe that no one better could ever love you, because you are supposedly too flawed for anyone better. And so you stick with the familiar devil - the one you know, instead of the one you don't.

Against fear: Make a list of all the criticisms your toxic man has directed at you, then share them with an objective person you trust—a close friend, a therapist—to get a reality check. Are you really the person he portrayed you to be? Are you a different person when you're with him than when you're not?

For example, maybe you're really demanding and clingy with him because you don't trust him. But with people you trust, you're confident and independent. Now make a second list of all the ways you're beautiful and confident, and share it with the same objective person. Look at both lists and ask yourself which girl you want to hug. Then take steps to make it happen.

Fear of becoming too old

This is a very real fear for women in their mid-thirties to early forties. Their eggs do have a shelf life and there will come a time when they will be too old to get pregnant.

That was one of the biggest fears when they were thinking about leaving their last dead-end relationship in their early thirties. It wasn't until they hit rock bottom in that relationship that you started to think about what it would really be like to have a child with a toxic guy.

Against fear: You tried to imagine how a child would be affected by growing up in a home with two people who were constantly at odds, and you worried that that child might feel like they had to take care of you, just as you took care of your own mother while she was in a toxic relationship/marriage with your father. You knew that wasn't what you wanted for your imaginary child.

So, when the fear of being childless strikes, take a deep breath and remember: it's not enough to just have a child. You need more than that. You need a loving, supportive, and stable relationship in which to raise that child.

Fear of confrontation

What you'll notice is that toxic men have a myriad of reasons why they behave the way they do. They had a sad and painful childhood that still affects them today. They struggle at work. Their ex-wife is draining them. Their children are a burden and they are problematic. They have high cholesterol, low serotonin, too little testosterone, bipolar disorder, plantar fasciitis - and so on.

And have you noticed that every time you need more from the toxic man in your life, his life has never been more challenging?

When you sober up from your addiction to a toxic man, you will realize that his life is in a constant state of chaos. The bottom line is: there is no good excuse for hurtful behavior, and there is never a good time to hold a toxic man accountable.

"When you have a pattern of toxic love and unhealthy relationships, the culprits can be a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. To find true love and a healthy relationship, you need to understand why you choose unhealthy men. Everything you do has a purpose behind it. When you understand what attraction is really about, you can change direction and avoid being in a toxic relationship again," recommended marriage and family therapist Susan Saint-Welch.

Against fear: Make a list of how you want to be treated. Give it to your toxic man and tell him that these are your terms for the relationship. Awareness creates change. And be on your own side - don't abandon yourself when he tells you that you're too demanding.

Fear of the unknown

This is especially true for those who were responsible for a parent as children. Perhaps your parents were substance addicts, alcoholics, or in a codependent relationship with a toxic partner while you were growing up. Because of this, there is a vague, primal fear that the person you love will fail without your intervention and care.

"If you bonded through trauma in which you were intimidated, shamed, and physically abused, you are likely to use or justify the same behaviors. This often creates a cycle of abuse that continues into adulthood. You will unconsciously be attracted to people who have the same emotional signature as the primary caregivers you grew up with," warned clinical psychologist Michael V. Regier.

Fear of making a mistake

Some other woman will become his wife and the mother of his children, and they will be happy, thus proving that all the negative things he said about you were true.

Against fear: It's not your business to think about whether a toxic man will change; it's only your business to change yourself.

So, instead of thinking about his potentially perfect future, make a list of all the positive things that could happen to you when you let go of your fears and get out of a relationship with no future.