A married couple of intellectuals from the capital of Montenegro had three daughters; her husband's brother had two children. During this time, their sister struggled for years to feel the joy of parenthood - it didn't work. She and her husband visited all clinics and listened to medical advice in vain.
Her younger brother, a prominent intellectual from the beginning of this text, asked his wife to make a sacrifice together - to give one of their daughters to his sister to raise. The choice fell on the middle.
More than three decades later, the people who raised this little girl with incredible love are no longer among the living.
That girl is now a grown woman and knows the truth.
"She called them 'mom' and 'dad' when they were alive. They raised her with the greatest love. They educated her and took care of her. It wasn't a secret, everyone knew," he told BIRN Marko, a relative of the family. Marko is not his real name.
This is just one example of giving children to blood relatives. But such family secrets are usually hidden in a country like Montenegro. Sometimes the keepers of the secret take them to the grave.
"It doesn't matter who gave birth to whom. In Montenegro, there is everything that exists anywhere on the globe. "Montenegro is not unique in that these kinds of phenomena happen," said professor of sociology at the Faculty of Philosophy in Nikšić, PhD, for BIRN. Biljana Maslovaric.
She cited a well-known example, a famous actress Claudius the Cardinal, a big star of the sixties and seventies of the last century, whose family raised her son as a younger brother. Until the age of eight, the boy thought that the actress was his sister.
Fear of disrupting family foundations
During BIRN's research, more than ten interlocutors confirmed that they know of a family that gave a child to an uncle, aunt or other relative. None of them wanted to talk about it publicly.
"There is no need to dig into the past and disrupt family foundations," said the man who, at the beginning of the research, was ready to tell how in the eighties of the last century one Ana (not her real name) called her aunt "mom" and aunt "dad".
"Few people would do that. She judged the brother's immense love for his sister, to whom he gave his daughter. She returned it in the most beautiful way. She adored the child. Ana had selfless love from the man who gave her her last name, whom she called her father. I don't think anyone will ever get as much love as those two gave her, even though they weren't her biological parents. In the end, it doesn't even matter," he said and closed the topic.
He said that he gave up the interview so as not to wake up the ghosts of the past.
Such cases are numerous, and the reasons are even more numerous.
In the past, parents raised their grandchildren as their own children if their daughter was born too young. In some cases, younger siblings were raised by the oldest sibling.
The example from a small village in the north of Montenegro is different from the one at the beginning of the story - the spouses who were fighting for their lives could not support their children. The father gave the youngest daughter to his brother and daughter-in-law who lived in Bijelo Polje and had no children. Several of her siblings were adopted by other extended family members. Some ended up in a home for neglected children. Toddlers who were then "distributed" to relatives, or left in a home for abandoned children, are now middle-aged people. During BIRN's investigation, the journalist learned that their biological parents are now dead. The aunt who took care of the youngest girl also passed away. So was her husband. The woman, who is now in her forties and was raised by them, did not agree to an interview for health reasons.
Economic and biological factors
Professor Maslovarić explained that there are two key factors behind this phenomenon. One is economic and the other is biological. She notes that in the relatively recent past, when families were larger, it was a tradition for the oldest child to "save" his brothers and sisters.
"The child who first got a job and moved to the city, according to tradition, was expected to 'save' his brothers and sisters, who are either still in school or looking for work... This is one form of functioning of the traditional family, which we are witnessing," she said. she.
As for the biological factor, she said research shows that almost all married men and women want to become parents.
"The vast majority of people want to have their own child. But sometimes that desire is not in accordance with biology, due to various complications, diseases".
"This brings us to your question - giving children, taking them, appropriating them, adopting them, without a direct line of parentage being established. A very important factor is the biological level of homo sapiens, who have a natural need to have their offspring. When this does not happen, the children are usually adopted. Not only in the case of family ties, but we have a whole campaign that promotes foster care... In my family, we have a grandchild who was adopted. We are very proud of my cousin and daughter-in-law who dared to take that step," she said.
She explained that there is a deep human need for adults to create an environment where every child can develop in the best possible way.
"And the best possible way is - to be in a family, even to cross that biological level... Sometimes we forget that the greatest value is human beings, that's what is crucial, and I really see deep humane reasons. "Even if only a biological need is met, there are great altruistic motives for any human being to accept a child," she said.
However, the professor points out that science does not advise hiding the truth from the child.
"The recommendation is to tell the truth...when a child asks such a question and to present it as the most normal thing. Just as it is difficult to explain to some children what death is and that people are finite, we have to talk about it, because it is a reality. We have to tell the children the truth... at any cost," she concluded.
She cited the adoption of children from Ghana in Croatia as a positive example.
"It is a wonderful approach, that some people, who could not, or have already become parents, give the warmth of the home... and participate in the development of a being who is in a life stage where that kind of closeness is needed."
There is no data on children in non-biological families
The Ministry of Labor and Social Welfare of Montenegro does not keep records on the upbringing of children in related, non-biological families in the manner investigated. However, they have precise data on the number of children who are without parental care and who are in foster families.
"The Ministry of Labor and Social Welfare does not keep records on the subject you are interested in. But the ministry...that is, centers for social work, keep records of the number of children who are without parental care (whose parents have died, are unknown, are unable to take care of their children or have had their parental rights taken away/restricted)," they answered. from that government department.
BIRN asked if they have records on the number of children who, since 2000, were raised in kinship families, not in foster families, that is, the number of children that biological parents gave to their blood relatives, who for whatever reason could not become parents.
It was explained that they keep records of children placed in relative foster families, and according to that data, 327 children in Montenegro are currently not cared for by their biological parents. Most of them, 127, are located in the capital Podgorica. In Nikšić there are 30 of them, and in the port city of Bar 26 children are in foster families. There are 17 children in Zeta with relatives, 14 in Berane and Rožaje, and 11 each in Bijelo Polje, Cetinje and Danilovgrad. In the related families, there are ten children from Kolašin, eight from Petnjica, seven from Plav and six each from Ulcinj and Herceg Novi. Four children from Andrijevica, Budva and Pljevlja are being raised by relatives, as well as three from Tuza, Šavnik and Mojkovac. Two children grow up in related foster families in Plužine, and one each in Tivat, Kotor and Žabljak.
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