People sometimes feel that sex is an obligation, something that must be done in order not to create a rift in a relationship or marriage. "When it comes to sex, we're bombarded with information that can easily make us feel bad," says Patricia Johnson, co-author of Partners in Passion and Great Sex Made Simple.
Despite what we hear and read about sex, there is no ideal "dose". "It doesn't matter what other people are doing or how you're doing compared to the average. The real question is whether or not you enjoy what you're doing and whether you're getting the most out of it," emphasizes Johnson, reports Women's Magazine.
Why shouldn't you be pressured to have sex?
Think about the last time you felt really sexy. Stress, pressure and resentment are not part of the picture you form in your mind. And this, of course, happens for a reason.
Sex when you're not in the mood creates all kinds of "unsexy" associations, which can lead to emotionally damaging and uncomfortable sex, says sex therapist Elizabeth Schuler. In addition, trying to have sex when you're not in the mood can eventually cause anger and a poor emotional connection with your partner, explains clinical psychologist Judy Rosenberg.
Instead of thinking about when you last had sex and when you will have sex again, try to slow down. If you think too much about what your sex life should look like, you're just putting too much pressure on yourself. This is because our tendency towards internal dialogue is often harshly critical.
The importance of intimacy outside the bedroom
If you're looking for passionate sex, one that makes you feel closer than ever, it's important to invest in intimacy when sex isn't even on your mind.
Experts recommend that couples spend at least 10 minutes alone each day. The goal is close physical contact, no sex, just hugs, caresses and kisses. These small contacts help couples feel connected and understand each other.
Emotional connection is where sex begins. When two people really focus on each other and express genuine interest in each other, the pressure to have sex usually disappears. The essential connection between them is what creates the spark.
Quality over quantity
To begin with, remember the type of sex you had at the beginning of your relationship. Whether that means having sex in every room or piece of furniture in the house, or positions you've been trying for a while, getting back to everything you loved when you started is a great way to invest in the quality of your sex life.
Experts also advise that there is nothing wrong with planning when you will have sex. Putting sex on your schedule puts it on a level playing field with other priorities you may have. It also gives you the comfort to find yourself in the right mood, even on days that are otherwise stressful or tiring.
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