Deception is similar to lying, but it is more subtle and harder to detect. Also, deception has a specific quality - it can arise from white lies that we constantly tell ourselves and others, and we can believe our deceptions and market them with conviction as true.
We all practice white lies because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. We laugh at dear people's jokes that we don't find funny at all, we comfort a friend who is desperate after going to the hairdresser, we convince someone that it's okay, because we don't want to burden them...
And that's how you get into danger, over time the risk of leaving the truth far behind you with the best intentions increases, and this affects close relationships, partnerships, friendships, and family. At first it seems like deception preserves those relationships, but in the long run, it undermines trust - inconsistent stories, silence, avoiding body language, defensive reactions - these are all signs of deception that need to be stopped and cleared up, in order to de-stress the relationship and develop healthy relationships.
What cheating in a relationship looks like
Deceptions that destroy a relationship can be hidden in white lies. And while white lies can sometimes make things run smoothly, they can also get us into more daring lies – when we lie about where we are and what we're doing to avoid conflict or jealous scrutiny.
Also, financial deceptions often appear in relationships, when partners for various reasons hide how much they earn or spend, or how much they owe.
In an effort to present themselves better and impress their partner, people hide their background and avoid introducing their partner to their family in order to gain approval. Likewise, people often make up stories to make a better impression, to elicit sympathy, or admiration.
Simply omitting information also falls under deception - we've all done things we're not proud of and that we have the right to keep to ourselves, but then we should say so, instead of just keeping things quiet.
Withholding emotions is also deceiving a partner - when we suppress our true feelings and pretend that everything is fine and claim that we are fine, when we are not, it creates a pressure of dissatisfaction that builds up and threatens to erupt.
Hiding bad habits (substance use or other forms of addictive and destructive behavior) is a deception that sooner or later pays off and destroys trust, and often the relationship itself.
Similarities and differences between deception and lying
Although similar, deception and lying are not the same - lying refers to making false statements, while deception is a much broader range of behaviors and strategies intended to create a certain impression, or mislead another person. Lies are, in essence, a subset of a web of deceptive behavior.
Deception can arise as a strategy of behavior by which we protect ourselves, our reputation and our partner from unpleasant truths, which somehow always find a way and reach the other person. This can happen after a long time, however, it does not reduce the damage, but increases it. The deceived partner has to face his feelings not only because of the things the other person kept silent about or the strategy they used to mislead them, but also because of the fact that they have been covering it up for so long. Then all the positive feelings and the value of the relationship come into question and the deceived partner can rightly wonder if everything in the relationship is fake.
Why people cheat on their partners
Navigating the messy and uneven terrain of relationships, we can fall into deception even though we don't want to.
Some of the most common reasons for cheating include avoiding conflict, preserving one's self-image (exaggerating successes, covering up one's origins and mistakes), seeking closeness (you can claim to love the same thing as your partner, even though you don't, in order to get closer to them), hiding insecurities (we don't want to reveal our weaknesses and vulnerabilities and hide our feelings), the desire to protect our partner (we hide negative and unpleasant truths)...
Complex feelings that we are unable to manage can also lead to deception – when we feel trapped, we might manipulate the situation to somehow get out and accuse the other person of overreacting and making a problem out of nothing. Fear of consequences can also lead us to deceive our partner because we are afraid of his judgment and that he will leave us, as well as trying to maintain independence in the relationship (we can deceive our partner in order to maintain a sense of privacy and independence).
How cheating destroys relationships
Deception damages relationships because it destroys trust on both sides - while the deceived partner as expected loses trust when he discovers the deception, the one who deceives also has problems with trust because at the start he did not believe that the other person had the capacity to deal with the truth, that is, he did not trust her goodness, reasonableness and wisdom.
Trust, honesty and authenticity are the pillars of a healthy relationship, and when trust is broken, it is difficult to rebuild it. A relationship can't survive if we can't trust our partner to show our vulnerability, or if we don't believe that our partner can be authentic with us.
It means deception
The partner's behavior that indicates deception is inconsistent - the partner suddenly does something different from what you are used to, and his stories are also inconsistent and do not match what he previously said.
The partner can show defensive reactions - in an unimportant situation, he overreacts, that is, his reactions are disproportionate to the situation and the occasion. Avoidant body language is also defensive behavior – when he doesn't look you in the eye, turns his body away from you, fidgets while you talk, talks a lot, touches your face.
You will also notice changes in the communication pattern - he will avoid some topics, he will be vague, distant and repulsive if you bring them up. The partner may begin to guard his privacy carefully, which he did not do before and hesitate to answer when you ask him something, searching for words and thinking of the best thing to say.
Intimacy can be inconsistent – your partner can suddenly become much kinder and gentler with you, or withdraw from you, physically and emotionally, for no apparent reason.
Discovering any kind of deception is a bitter experience and the deceived person is rightfully angry. If you find yourself in this situation, try to look at your feelings and talk to your partner about how you feel and the impact of his actions, without blaming. For this to be possible, you may need some time to take a break and collect yourself. Try to see things from your partner's point of view and understand their motivations - maybe you would do the same in their place. Understanding doesn't mean you condone his behavior, but it allows you to further manage the relationship and create a safe space together to share vulnerable or sensitive information in the future.
Discovering cheating can be the moment where relationship transformation begins – evaluate the relationship and if you find it's worth the investment, work on establishing boundaries to take the relationship to the next level. Communicate what is and isn't acceptable for whom, agree on consequences for boundary violations, and set expectations of honesty and openness. It is important to be together in this, to overcome the difficult lessons and not to repeat them.
In the process of repairing your relationship, prioritize self-care - do what you enjoy, whether it's sports, socializing or therapy, because maintaining emotional balance is key.
By working together, you can restore broken trust, change patterns of behavior, and overcome deception and lying. And you can also conclude that all of this is too tiring and that you cannot build a relationship from the beginning and risk finding yourself in the same situation again - deception brought you to that situation, and how will you solve it and whether you will continue together or separately yourself, is a decision you must make yourself, without any guarantees or endorsements. Go with what you feel is best for you, whatever that may be.
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